Category Archives: humor

Zentraveler zeros in on the Mystery Crystal Skull!

You were warned Zentraveler! Remember when you were poking around in the mountains of Honduras and visited the White Royal Monkey Empire. What did we tell you then and what message are we giving you now? “Don’t tell a living soul!”

Not only did you write about it on a blog and now every Tom, Dick, and Harry— plus the Indiana Jones types have been combing our mountains looking for the 13th Crystal Skull. I think I have had enough of you humans prying into our business. Don’t be surprised if you are going on a journey that no human has ever taken. Seat-belts ain’t going to help where you are headed!”

“I see by one of our crystal chips that you have been studying “The Mayan Factor.” How did you enjoy the rolling mathematics? You must have thought of yourself as rather clever. I see you have basically figured out some rather complex spacial travel logarithms. As Sherlock Holmes would say:”Elementary, my Dear Watson!”

Still rubbing my eyes and wondering where I am—- as if in dreamlike sequence I could see the vortex of the 12 crystal skulls and a direct red laser pointing to the 13th crystal skull. Just then a voiceover came out of nowhere. “Remember the time you were in Belize during a tropical storm and we decided to rescue you for whatever reason I can’t remember.” I shook my head as if in a daze.

Out of nowhere I could see the pulsating Crystal Skull buried 300 feet deep in a hidden cenote. A labyrinth of colors cascaded in 13 different directions. I am thinking Mexico. They have lots of cenotes and a lot of Mayan history. It’s probably located just west of Tulum, hidden in the jungle mangroves covered over with layers of past civilizations.

Then as if you were hit with a jolt of lightning, a neon map lit up showing the exact location of the 13th Crystal Skull. I quick grabbed a pencil and paper and jotted down the following location:”Dam pencil or pen won’t write. Why is it every time you have something important to jot down the writing instruments just decide to quit?

My god I thought to myself how close I was to solving the mystery of the Crystal Skull. “Remember that blustery Christmas day you decided to go up the Monkey River with the Belize army bloke, photographing mating red iguanas, hanging over the water. Is that all you earthlings have to do is travel around and photograph everything that moves? You are so shallow it amazes me.”

“Thinking by accident you might stumble onto our sacred grounds we drifted a heavy fog thicker than pea soup over your boat. Your army bloke wanted no parts of this and turned the boat around blabbing about sacred grounds and sped down river and out of sight.”

The 13th crystal skull pulsated and gave the exact location. “It is located at the headwaters of the Monkey River— which is also the cradle of civilization as we know it. We figured since you have already invaded the White Royal Monkey territory, the location of the 12th crystal skull— It’s just a matter of time before you crack the code. We knew you spotted the 12th crystal skull, it’s encoded right here on our master earth crystal. That’s why we have called you in. In our civilization we are looking for a few chosen earth humans as a sacrifice to the gods.”

“So as you played with The Mayan Factor math code your virtual interactive calculations have turned up in our crystals and now it’s your turn to learn about our evolved universe and more.” Being drawn like a magnet I proceeded from the village of Monkey River up stream, where I ran across water glyphs stepping stones showing me the way. They reflected a white electronic outline from the water. As if viewing a deck of cards, I could see a Jaguar with a right paw pointing west, a large Rabbit standing tall with it’s paw pointing the way. Sometimes there were several Mayan Warriors and you had to chose the one with the ax weapon to pick your next clue and head for your next coordinate.

Talk about jungle! I hired one of the natives in a motorized tuc-tuc to take me as far as the boat would go. From there we proceeded through the water, where we entered a maze of tributaries, which were encircled in a water maze. We then proceeded on a barely visible jungle trail with animals of all descriptions showing up like pop-up characters in a children’s book. There was an amazing display of flora and fauna along the way– with it intense jungle smells and noises.

As if in your own private zoo animals kept popping in and out. We saw manatees, dolphins, and even the occasional crocodile. You could see and hear howler monkeys, deer, ocelots, coatimundis, and a variety of colorful jungle birds. They appeared tame! All of the terrain was identical. When the clues seem to run out or I was stumped I could look in the sky and see the Crystal Skull sending off light beams into the heavens.

As the Crystal Skull magnet pulled, I was catapulted some 300 feet by centrifugal force down a crystal cylinder at high speed. I felt as if I was inside a dryer at warp speed. One of the Black and White Royal Monkeys, silhouetted in a rainbow neon halo, poured me a cup of tea and proceeded to show me the 13th crystal skull. Upon closer examination I could see several spaceships and a series of UFO holograms imbedded inside the skull— plus a series of aerial routes leading in 13 different directions.

With an elegant British voice the elaborately adorned Royal Monkey went on to lecture about knowledge was always passed down from the Chief Medicine Man to the next generation by simply rubbing the skull and using a very complicated ritual. I could see earth imbedded in a microchip about the size of a pea. He laughed: “you earthlings think your such hot stuff. Do you remember when we loaded over one hundred million Mayans on one virtual space ship for an exodus? That was very successful! They have been called into duty in another galaxy and they are performing quite magnificent —I might add.”

As he turned the crystal skull I could see The Garden of Eden in a hologram. One-more turn there was Atlantis with all of it’s modern technology. He pointed out we are still within the pea size of this crystal and the skull crystals are set up to radiate through unlimited number of galaxies. The first stepping stone takes us directly to thirteen planets which then multiply by rolling numbers taking us into new unlimited dimensions.

I was beginning to get woozy and I shook all over as the Black and White Royal Monkey instructed me to relax while they shrunk me to the size of a nano-atom. Talk about feeling small! “In your new nano-atom state you will have very little resistance as we catapult you into the next world.”

“But wait a minute” I clamored! “I have some emails to answer and I need to tell someone where I am going. He roared and spoke in tongues as he laughed about us and our real world. “To us since we are so far advanced we have always recognized earth as a mere virtual world. I can change the location of the skulls by pointing my mind and you and your brilliant explorers will be chasing crystal skulls that do not even exist in your world. You see this is one card game where we are holding the cards.”

He was holding a hologram which simply indicated 13 planets, 13 skulls and the Mayan doomsday of 20012. “Earth will be dust!” Wait I said: “Can’t we change the course of humanity?” “No! With your current world leadership their isn’t any hope even for the Pope. You were all pre-warned so we have no choice other than to fulfill your self-serving prophecy to eliminate earth and start fresh.”

“You are one of the lucky ones. We only have to choose 12 more earth human sacrifices and our mission will be complete. Bright red eyes flashed to a pale lavender and I could see thousands of angels dancing in the bright blue skies— all trailing a multi-colored laser beam heading into the unknown. As he was giving me my final instructions he reiterated how easy it would have been to align the 13 planets with earth and we could have survived. Another big belly laugh when he said: “earthlings don’t know what survival means anyway— so why bother.”

Then it flashed in Google colored neon across the sky: The Mayan Calendar will stop at the 21st of December 2012 and the earthy world as you know it will end. Good Riddins! Signed: The Mayan Factor!

Footnote: We don’t use fossil fuels so you better burn it all up by 2012. It might just save us a nasty clean-up phase—-if you know what I mean. Beam me up Scotty— I’m out of here!

QUOTE: “Flowery Mountain is a treasure trove of marvels and esoteric lore as none other. Here fresh flowers bloom and the trees are ever green. Rocks are of all colors and spring waters of various hues. The wine decoctions of its genii clear the mind and the herbs culled by sages procure longevity. At night in the Hall of Shining Stars come whispering sounds from where the wisterias quiver. Unable to sleep I burn incense and read Taoist books.”

– Hua-shan chih —–dailyzen.com

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW: Your mathematical evolvement equation.

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: Your energy field! You may need it someday to escape this earth.

ZENTRAVELER SAYS: It’s all in zee travel! Be mindful of space junk as you fly around.

Follow the Zentraveler Blog often for Travel, Health and Zen-like stories and such. Where else can you get a three in one blog for the price of free.

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Zentraveler unlocks higher intelligence modus operandi!

Of course it’s part of a master plan– are you nuts? I HAVE WALL STREET INSIDER INFORMATION THAT BILL GATES IS AN ALIEN PLANT. Think about it! I just left the Backpackers Hostel in Costa Rica only to discover that the restaurant that was booming just two years ago is as slow as molasses . The cook said:”Just look at em- they are all using the free internet pounding away on the keys and don’t have the least desire or the time to even eat. They walk around like Zombies and appear to be hypnotized or drugged on electronics. They sprawl around on their lounge chairs watching some futbul (soccer) with their headphones wired to Lord knows what. Ay caramba! What’s this world becoming?”

As I head to the bus leaving for Fortuna the backpackers are busy hooking up their ipods for the journey as well as using their digital cameras to take photos miles in the distant. With their laptop computers unzipped they are ready to report to whomever is receiving. As we cruise past rural dwellings you can see a goat tied to the front porch and a rusted tin roof, but believe it or not, I see rural folks leaning outside of their huts to get better cellphone reception. The lone cowboy boards the bus with his machete and straw hat. His cell phone rings loudly muffled in his brown lunch bag. You can hear him say: “No problema el jefe.” The electronic age is here and past. As soon as Bill Gates and Company gets all seven billion subjects on line he has it from higher authority that we are leaving the planet and heading to a brand new galaxy.

The more wired you are the closer you are to exiting. So why not open all night cybercafe’s like they do in Japan, give each person a Starbucks night drip and get really wired. They sleep in their cybercafe chairs in lieu of expensive lodging and it all boils down to the pure economics of cyber-marketing for pennies on the dollar.

People have lost their basic desire to eat, drink, socialize, and have sex and are turning into perfect clones sponsored by a higher authority. It’s getting late I see the cybernurse heading this way with a fresh drip of Starbucks double latte to get us through the night. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a few nights in my grandparents rocking chairs or even a solitude night on the beach swinging in my hammock looking at the stars. Those were the days my friend see you on the next edition. Its been told on the street, as a whisper number, that Richard Branson is building a spaceship capable of hauling everyone on earth including a pair of all the animals and all of the plants known to man- similar to the Mayan Indian exodus from the Americas thousands of years ago.

As the mega-jet heads down the runway you can hear the words:¨This is your Captain speaking: Once we shoot through the clouds and level off in altitude turn in all of your electronic equipment to the equipment manager -no exceptions! Flip up those silly little TV screens that are designed for idiots and prepare to have your brain stick downloaded immediately.” Soft cool jazz comes in over the sound system as a computerized voice from India explains where we are headed is a new horizon, a new chance to build a nation without pollution, wars, or disease. As we say goodbye to a totally ruined earth we are instructed to do better this time. Just then the electronic sensor system starts whaling its siren and a bright red laser picture drops over the fellow in the third seat. Please report to the Captains Quarters immediately as they strong arm the man in question into the interrogation room. “What’s that electronic device in your pocket?” After water-boarding, pulling a few nails, using electrical shocks to his testicles, and duct-taping his eyebrows off he said: “OK, OK, I have had enough– this is way over the top. This seems like a direct violation of the Geneva Convention or something to do with International Law or human rights. I mean you are treating me like a Barbarian. Have you no compassion?”

As they started to adjust the vise like brain squeeze, he threw his hands in the air and blurted out: “You caught me he, he- its simply an electronic detonator which will blow the Earth to smithereens. If we can’t have it all– then we don’t want anyone else to have it either.” A female came rushing into the interrogation room and told the lead interrogator from Russia that this is the President of the United States George Bush. As they unloosened the brain squeeze George said: “Hell it was a good try I almost pulled it off didn’t I–he, he.”

The audio barked out orders: “Will the following persons please proceed to the Captains Quarters immediately: Kenneth Star, Paul Dundes Wolfowitz, Dick Channey, Karl Rove, Condilice Rice, Scooter Libby, 16 person code word clearance “piffy-board” (PFIAB) , mine safety czar Richard Stickler, the Senator from Idaho with a wide stance, Mary Channey, Rosie O´donald, Richard Simmons and the President of Iran Mr. Dinnerjacket, Senor Martinez, Mr. Patel of India, Mrs. Wu of China, Ann Coulter, Britney Spears, O.J. Simpson, Chief Little Horse, Pat Robertson, Dolly the Sheep, Barbara Walters, Donald Rumsfield, Paul Brenner, Johnnie Bolton, Bill O’reilly, Janet Reno, Rush Lindbald, Bernard Carrick, Brownie, The Wild Boys, Fat Joe, Fifty Cents, Little Kim, Korean Idol star Minhye Cho, the midget tv star who was dressed in a safari outfit skateboarding behind an elephant and last seen running down the street in diapers, and Osama Ben Laden.

After a quick analysis on the earths dilemma, slow dollar, housing market in the pits and our monetary system on a downward spiral they added one more to the list. Kicking and screaming as they pulled Mr. Greenspan from his prostrate bath soak. On the way out he said: “I did the best I could to outsource all of the money- what did you expect from a shy kid from Brooklyn.” Not normally being a snitch Mr. Greenspan said: “Might as well add Ben Stein to the list he was the one feeding me bogus info so he and his buddies could short the dollar. Hell- I wasn’t able to invest in the stock market like all of my peers at Wall Street so I manipulated the dollar a bit– just at the end of my term. What are you going to do fire me?” Shooting Mr. Greenspan with a wild animal tranquilizer gun he finally went limp like a dead fish.

Strapping down Mr. George Bush in a straight jacket was quite a task. “May I ask what did I do wrong?” No Mr. Bush where you are headed you will have plenty of time to reflect. With the super-sonic module fully loaded and about ready to depart another infra-red sensor settled over Bill Gates who was immediately taken to the interrogation room. The lead interrogator said: “Really Bill did you think you could imbed all of the earth’s data in a hidden chip behind your artificial heart valve?” “I was told by my head software engineer that it was imbedded in a clear and would never be detected.” Yes we guess you thought we would never find out about you and Mr. Bush rigging the Ohio election with your electronic chip caper. You forget Mr. Gates we have the cold trail on file and we were just moments away from a Federal Inditement. Hell, there aren’t even any republicans that live in Ohio- yet alone vote for George Bush. Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania are the working man states. They wouldn’t in their wildest imagination vote for a republican. They vote a straight democratic ticket like their mothers and fathers did. It’s that simple. Talk about fuzzy math you guys pulled the ultimate Houdini on the voting public.

An email our intelligence recently recovered: “Hello George! Hope Laura and the kids are doing well. Look for Ohio State to sweep the football polls. It’s a sure winner. Sincerely Bill Gates. PS Love the ranch dressing.”

The decoding department simply imbedded correct dates and switched football polls to election polls to decipher the rigged election results. Love the ranch dressing means you can bet the ranch on the election results. Good ole boys jargon. “But surely if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t be going on this mission so I ask for tolerance and a second opinion.” No Mr. gates you were beginning to show some promise by donating a few bucks to needy causes, however, it never stopped you from running your world-wide monopolies, which were not only illegal but immoral. Just think your new earth base may grow to 35 or 50 persons by the time you are in the grave and you can have total monopoly over the entire earth group. Look at the brightside you won’t have any traffic jams, housing shortages, and can fly or drive in a brand new vehicle each day. Only one problem there are no worker bees– you are on your own—just maybe justice is being served. Bon Appetit!

The red lever was pulled down automatically and the super-sonic module was catapulted into space and had the message EARTHBOUND written in neon script. Can you imagine what these geniuses will propagate as they set off to start their new society?

The leggy blonde, scantly clad equipment manager comes by and hands out our palm leaf outerwear. As we swerve toward our new galaxy everything looks lush green with a perfect blue sky. Each person is granted 10 acres of fertile soil with a green house in place which is self sufficient. It appears we have come full circle. Richard Branson came on and thanked everyone for a good flight and informed them that the brainstick download was 99% complete and once we are at the 100% level we will all start from scratch. Michael Jackson got to perform his last live performance as he moon-walked through the isles singing: “We are family!” The Dali Lama was kicking his feet out and laughing as he headed the largest congo line in the world.

A few things that will be different on our new galaxy –yet to be named. (we haven’t invented language yet.) We will all be under one God appropriately named Galaxy God and abbreviated to GG. Part of the brain download included everyone must drop all of the Jesus, Mohammed , bible, koran chatter immediately. Done!

The new GG God is in place and won’t it be interesting who discovers fire, the written word, the new language and even a social order. As a word of caution don’t underestimate Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Turkey, the Mayan Indians, the Egyptians, the Phoenicians, and the fun loving Jamaicans. Fasten your seat belts as everyone drew a blank and the download was completed.

QUOTE: Its amazing what we don’t know.
—–Unknown

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW: Blackhole rolling logorisms to the nth power inverted exponentially beyond multiple parallels earth crypt equals future derivatives divided by mj-xyz17-999 ah

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: Our new Galaxy!

ZENTRAVELER SAYS: Your Karma slate is wiped clean its totally up to you!

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Zentraveler strives to erase carbon footprint!

I watched a bear work his way through the forest stopping to eat some blueberries and loading up on fat salmon for the winter hibernation. Even though the bear wears a size 57 triple x footprint he has developed a keen sense to obey nature’s laws. Our heritage is the American Indian and Indigenous populations worldwide. This is our history! Indigenous tribes throughout the world love and respect all of the animals, plants, and fishes and never take more than their extended family can use. They are a part of the nature network set up by the creator and they not only respect the earth, but they act as custodians of the earth to insure that future generations will have abundant supplies of food and shelter to care for their families. They use prayer, dance, and song to celebrate nature as part of their culture. We are supposed to learn from history not destroy it.

Warp speed ahead a few generations and we see evidence of huge corporations sending their pollution from towering smokestacks and leeching our rivers and oceans with dangerous toxic wastes. We have the technology to address the current situation worldwide, which would insure a cleaner safer environment, but would also help developing nations build the environmental model— putting many folks to work to help save this planet and create a win, win, situation.

Forget Paris Hilton’s driving without a license, forget wars, forget being politically correct, forget immigration issues, forget media presentations, forget interest rates, forget world domination at any expense, forget the oil patch, forget national debt, forget social security, forget health costs, forget White Tie episodes at the White House and don’t forget to forget that unless every single human and the by-product corporation takes an active role to stop this irresponsible behavior our planet will turn to toxic dust!

Since the United States hasn’t picked a really good fight with any countries lately they are beginning to blame China for everything. I can’t remember China holding a gun to us and telling us that unless we squander 1600 billion dollars in Iraq that they won’t make widgets anymore. What if the United States purchased 800 billion dollars worth of natural gas and oil in Mexico, Central America and South America and spent another 800 billion to construct a state of the art pipeline from the tip of South America to California. They could add a zip line, high speed solar train, bicycle and walking paths to generate tourist interest. You could bunk or backpack from pipeline number 1 through number 365. All of the rest areas would have eco-friendly lodging facilities, language schools, killer skateboard parks, water parks with spas and international restaurants— complete with hands on culinary schools. Park service could release wild animals to scare you, make you run faster or as a talking point back at the enclosed campfire setting.

Top ten things to do to erase carbon footprint:

1. Have ever man, woman, and child over the age of four PLANT A TREE worldwide.
China could start with 1 billion 300 million trees and could be accomplished on the first
weekend in May to correspond with kite festivals etc.

2. Walk 99% of the time— like our forefathers did.

3. Grow your own organic food supply, plus you can have 6 chickens, and two goats.
Get rid of all pesticides, chemical cleaners etc. Use vinegar for almost everything!

4. Place all cities and neon lights on a power grid and turn off all city lights at nine o’clock
with the exception of emergency facilities. Supply enough power to run one TV and one
computer plus three mercury light bulbs. What don’t tell me you are afraid of the dark!

5. Convert all of your bathroom waste into useable gas. Rural china does.

6. Talk on the cell phone up to ten minutes per day. You don’t say anything anyway!

7. Purchase your spring, summer, fall, winter wardrobe at a goodwill store not to exceed
$100.00 and donate everything else.

8. Purchase hundred pound sacks of rice, potatoes, and a barrel of salted smelts to
help cut down on transportation costs and never, never, never, buy at 7-11 type
convenience stores.

9. Turn all of the inmates out of the jails put them to work creating affordable green
housing and give the jails to the elderly and poor as lodging and creative learning
centers.

10. Choose your government leaders by the lottery system. If we get a good bunch
they can stay in office as long as they remember they work for us…give us great
health benefits, beautify our areas, provide free schooling, and create a residual
retirement system based on our gross national product and backed by gold bars.

11. Bonus: Don’t allow wild bears and animals to use toilet paper like they show on T.V.
It’s messy and unless it is biodegradable—- it is just plain littering!

12. Free bonus: Eliminate the military and bring back the service draft where every
person from the age of 17 would give five core years to the betterment of society.

QUOTE: “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”
——-Francis Bacon brainyquote.com

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW: Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second! ——-strangefacts.com

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: Aquatic species, which are often overlooked, are facing serious trouble. One third of the United States’ fish species, two-thirds of its crayfish species, and almost three-quarters of its mussel species are in trouble.
—– endangeredspecie.com

ZENTRAVELER SAYS: Don’t be a litterbug and carry out or pick up three times what you use!

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Zentraveler tracks rare dinosaurs in Guatemala!

I love Guatemala it’s so dam crazy it’s hypnotic. Pagans in the villages mixed with the High Priests and the most colorful handicrafts in the World. I entered Guatemala by mistake. I was stranded in Belize during a tropical hurricane. There were no buses running in either direction, no flights in or out and all the water taxis were broken down. It was a freaking mess with trees down and the electricity out– I was concerned we would run out of food.

Drowning in rain and maybe my beers a young military man and his girlfriend invited me to go by Naval launch to Livingston, Guatemala. En route we went up one one of the tributaries appropriately named The Monkey River where we witnessed many huge Iguanas leaning over the water stretched out from the trees. They were bright red and orange and some over six foot long. I have often thought this might be the place I eventually hang my hat. Can you imagine my address Zentraveler Monkey River somewhere in the Americas.

Leaving Livingston we headed up the Rio Dulce (sweet river) in a tuc-tuc- native mahaghony barca. The riverboat operator told me this was the original site for the first Tarzan movies. Miles and miles of jungle cascading down to the rivers edge with monkey families hopping through the trees foraging for fruits and berries. All we needed was some grapevines and the lines “me Tarzan her Jane” to finish the jungle movie set as we cruised up river taking in the sights and smells. Talk about a jungle cruise it’s sweet, sweet, sweet.

After spending time in one of the river hot springs and going through a natural preserve we arrived at the yacht basin for xpats and anyone who wants to keep a low profile from the hustle and bustle of city life. I left my barca wood transport, climbed up to the bridge, and hopped a bus to Guatemala City. If you were missing the hustle and bustle you can definitely get your belly full in a hurry as you arrive downtown Guatemala City. Horns blowing, people carrying things and moving in every direction. The entire street is moving— it reminds you of an ant factory. You can’t help but wonder where everyone is going and what they are doing. Keep moving or you will get swept off your feet or at least asphyxiated by the bus fumes as they roar through town with people on top and hanging all over the buses and out the side doors. Talk about being centered this is a good place to keep your wits about you. Keep moving is the best advice anyone ever gave me when entering a strange city for the first time. You can always head for a first class hotel to get directions and get your bearings plus Central American coffee is to die for.

I checked into our American Embassy and gave them an itinerary just in case some monsters and such carried my carcass away without telling anyone. From there I met with the Guatemalan Tourism Department and submitted a book outline on the fishes and ecotourism guide to Guatemala. I love this crazy Country so much I was trying to extend my stay for a few years. While in the Guatemalan Tourist Office the telephone rang about every 30 seconds. The tourism director would limp up to the big desk and talk rapid espanol. He was very animated and seemed disturbed. He would come back down as I was trying to pitch my book outline. I finally said is this a bad time?

Moments later he told me to grab my passport, book outline, and move toward the third floor elevator. He grabbed me by the arm and rushed me into the elevator. On the way down he explained we would be getting into his bulletproof BMW and exit most rapido.
With machine guns lined up in the ready position we screeched and sped onto the main avenue. As he proceeded toward the outskirts of Guatemala he informed me he used to be in charge of Transportation and Finances and froze all of the government employees salary for three months. With a sly snickered black mustache he indicated he was glad they didn’t capture us because the last time he went for a month with just a little ground flour and water and was holed up at gunpoint in the basement of the Federal Building. I always wandered why I was a hostage or did he just want my good company. Dios Mio who knows!

After dropping me off at the outskirts of Guatemala he handed me a card of an x-american who worked with the Guatemalan Tourist Department in the past. I took a taxi and arrived at one of the small mountain villages unannounced. Dressed in a dapper kaki outfit with a pith helmet he invited me into his study where he had his maid servant bring us each a glass of brandy. I proceeded to show him the book outline and he swore a blue streak. “Are you telling me they won’t provide a vehicle for your photographs or at least give you travel vouchers between here and the states. You have put a tremendous amount of work into this and you don’t even want paid. Hell they gave someone $300,000 last year for a feasibility study on walnut trees. I wish I was well— we would both tackle this project it’s so important for the tourism of Guatemala. I wasted my life writing books you know there’s no damn money in it. At least I get to spend my golden years in the tropics and that’s something some of them fat cats will never be able to do. I got my reward after-all I love Guatemala it grows on you. Viva la buena vida mi amigo!”

As the sun set in the west he started showing me his fossil collection and told about a Natural Sciences Museum that he and his friend were outfitting in Honduras. When the sun ducked behind the trees he looked at me and asked me If I was interested in dinosaurs.
“If you really want a story I can tell you of a place that still has living dinosaurs in the lost mountain range of the Rip Valley. If you are up for it we will leave bright and early in the morning. I see you have a camera what kind is that?” It’s a Nikon 35 mm black cased professional model with a wide-angle and telephoto lens and plenty of film. He laughed like a little kid. ” I can’t wait until we break this story this will give those pseudo-scientists something to chew about.”

Winding through the mountains in a black 1949 Studebaker I wandered If he was just plain crazy or just a little eccentric. He broke into a loud Italian opera voice as we rolled upward through yet another switchback. He pulled directly into the Jungle along a river tributary. We traveled another three hours along a washed out mud road until we arrived at a stone chapel with a connecting guest house set in the middle of nowhere. Just then a High Priest came out and warmly greeted us both. Just in time for “Monk’s Stew” even though I am not a monk I make everything myself. I am totally self-sufficient. I mostly rely on the coconut, some planted yams and wild berries. I also catch my fair share of wild game and fish. I wouldn’t trade this life for all of the money on Wallstreet.”

“Shall we give our guest our special rocking chair while we chat?” Walking out the door to the outside patio there it was the largest rocking chair I had ever seen. I believe it would have held two tandem giants with room for a few grand-babies. The arms were over nine feet long and the rockers at least 15 feet. “Do you know what the rocking chair is made of the High Priest enquired?” I answered Petrified Wood. “Not a bad answer. The answer my amigo is this is the only dinosaur rocking chair in the World. One of my parishioners told me about it and sure enough one day it just arrived. There is a lot of mystery in these mountains. You know we are just outside the Dinosaur extinction belt which wiped most of the dinosaurs out in Central America. Here in the Rip Valley I have seen many dinosaurs over the years and so has my friend Levy. Levy tells me you bought your camera equipment. I hope you are shooting some ultra fast speed film because these dinosaurs almost fly. You have to be crazy fast or extremely lucky to even see one yet alone capture one on film. If you are ready we will venture into the valley. Here take that walking stick you will need it.”

Holy batman look at these animal trails they are 15 foot wide and looks like a herd of elephants have been rummaging through here for years. Look at the tracks imbedded in the rock formations they must be thousands of years old. Do the dinosaurs make a noise I enquired? “Oh yea you will hear them soon. They start off with a loud growl and make a high pitched shrill sound when alarmed which can be heard from miles away. Going under a limestone cavern we entered a grass plain that looked like it was out of Africa. “There don’t move a muscle I see em feeding at the watering hole through the thick grasses.” Just then they scented us and bleated like a raped donkey. I grabbed my camera and tried to focus as they disappeared into the jungle. They were about three times the size of an elephant, grayish brown with camouflage patches of color, short pointed ears, and about thirty feet in length with a long bushy tail. You could hear the jungle erupt as they stampeded up the far side of the Rip Valley. I shot three quick shots hoping I at least captured their hind-ends if nothing else.

Days later while exploring the town of Antigua Guatemala I picked up my roll of photos only to see a grey blur superimposed on the sun. I might as well have tried to photograph a ghost as trying to capture these creatures. Maybe they know something we don’t. At least they have longevity on there side. While exploring Antigua Guatemala I visited several historic cathedrals, the Ruins of the Convent of Santa Clara and toured the cobblestone streets marveling at the excellent spanish architecture. The food and restaurants are some of the most wonderful restaurants I have experienced anywhere. One restaurant run by a German tour-guide had black rabbits and peacocks waltzing around the courtyard as he served piping hot homemade German black bread with cheese.

Based at the foot of a Volcano the air is pure and the sky is blue. I could definitely see myself hanging here for quite a while. From there I went to the colorful crafts market and took the bus to the third deepest lake in the world Lake Atitlan. I ferried across the water to the San Pedro Volcano where I met several different tribes with multi-striped pants and small black felt hats. Each tribe has it’s own language and cannot communicate with the other tribes. I had my Fenwick pack-rod and caught quite a few large bass on a fly-rod fishing out of a rowboat. (maybe a first with the fly-rod. It definitely caught the native fisherman’s attention) Just reflecting in the small town I saw a parade with Jesus on the cross coming right toward me. Was this a sign? Dios Mio I’m out of here!

On the ferry ride back I could only imagine what kind of large creepy, crawly, creatures could be lurking in Lake Atitlan and then I dozed off in the sun as we headed toward the town of Panajachel nicknamed “Gringo Heaven” by some of the locals.

If you like a country full of contrast, characters, colorful scenery, volcanoes, Mayan ruins and the unknown—- Guatemala might be just the place for you!

QUOTE: EXTINCTION IS FOREVER!
——Unknown

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW:
” After exploring and studying Mexico’s Yucatan peninsula, Auburn University geologist says he’s convinced that dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago by a giant meteorite that struck earth.

David King Jr., an associate professor in the Department of Geology, is among those scientists who believe the collision in Mexico –which spewed gases and debris throughout the atmosphere, causing wildfires and choking off the sunlight — directly lead to the dinosaurs’ demise.

“There were a lot of changes happening on the earth 65 million years ago,” King said. “Different animals were under a great deal of stress from these changes. One of the changes was that this meteorite struck the earth, threw a lot of debris into the atmosphere, made it much colder for a long period of time . . . caused acid rain, wildfires. It was the most catastrophic event that the earth has experienced at least within the last 65 million years.”

The collision also caused an earthquake that would today register about 13 on the Richter scale, King added.

“That’s something we (humans) have never experienced,” he said. “The energy released at impact is estimated to equal 114 million megatons of TNT — which accounts for the spread of ejecta for hundreds of miles.”

The debris crater being studied by King and his colleagues through the Planetary Society of Pasadena, Calif., is located in Belize, Central America. The crater is about 200 miles from the actual site of the meteorite’s impact, King said. But it is the largest known crater on Earth — and the largest to have formed in our inner solar system within the past three billion years.

Scientists estimate that the meteorite was about six miles in diameter. At impact, it created a crater some 115 miles in diameter.

“Ejecta deposits once covered much of the Yucatan region of Mexico, northern Guatemala and Belize,” King said.” —— auburn.edu

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: HABITAT LOSS

“Habitat loss is recognized as the greatest threat to most plants and animals on the list of threatened and endangered species. Many people are also aware of other activities that directly harm listed species, such as killing and over-exploitation for trade purposes. Unfortunately, these are not the only dangers. With human assistance, species from one part of the world are invading other regions that have no defense against them. These invaders can be as large as a snake, as small as a bacterium, or as seemingly harmless as a wildflower. Other threats, such as contaminants from industrial and agricultural sources, are often unseen until they cause fish die-offs, malformed frogs, or thin-shelled eggs. This edition of the Bulletin takes a look at these lesser-known threats.”

——ENDANGERED SPECIES BULLETIN U.S. FISH AND WILDLIFE SERIES

Zentraveler says if the travel gets to rough get some travel insurance you might need it!

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Zentraveler takes dental vacation in Costa Rica!

Have you been to your friendly dentist lately? Buckle up you may be in for the ride of a lifetime. I went to my local dentist to have my teeth cleaned. After one hour in the chair and me with my mouth propped open I could see my friendly dentist shooting digitial snaps of all my teeth and being displayed across a large screen. The dental assistant deep cleaned one fourth of my mouth to the tune of $350.00. The money was never discussed with me. On the way out as I presented my plastic visa card I was told the dentist would call me at home that night to discuss my teeth. She also handed me a packet of glossies which I immediately displayed on the outside of my refrigerator for quick reference.

When the phone rang the dentist said he was so impressed with my mouth that he carried my digital photos home with him so he could study them in depth. To demonstrate that I am not exactly a neophyte in the dental chair the story goes that I bailed out of a three story window and landed on my baby bottle making all of my front teeth come in sideways under the gum line. Warp speed to dental surgery having a Chinese dentist work pro-bona and wearing braces from the time I was in the eight grade until senior in college. I had laughing gas, novacane, gum relaxers and lord knows what kind of pliers the dentist used every time he made an adjustment. It hurt!

Things were sailing along not too bad until a new dentist was doing a root canal and actually used a blow torch on some new material and then pounded the molten rubber into the hole. I have news for you. If you see your dentist coming with a blowtorch get the hell out of the chair and run for your life. The blowtorch tooth had to be extracted by a speciality dentist who said he could save the tooth. Five hours later after almost tearing my jaw apart he said he was sorry but he couldn’t save the tooth. Ka Ching! That little experiment cost me $1800.00 on one tooth that is now missing.

Upon going to my second deep cleaning on the second one fourth of my mouth the procedure went pretty smooth until the Dentist himself showed up to explain a few things that needed immediate dental attention. It all seemed a bit overwhelming talking about overbites and underbites and alignment etc; but I was glad to pay my second payment of $350.00 and get on with the show. He mentioned on the way out his dental assistant would go over the dental plan and payment plan and that I needed to sign off on the plan so he could fit me in his schedule. He also mentioned he was leaving for a trip to New Zealand and wouldn’t be in the office for a month. It’s very important to sign and witness the dental plan so he can get started was the last words I heard as I stumbled out of the Dentist’s office. I needed a stiff drink as I was still numb and was heading into dental denial.

I think shock therapy would be a breeze compared to this dentist’s interest in extracting my wallet of $38,000 and of course this was just the basics to get my mouth back to a chewable state. Thinking this dentist was just nuts I carried my mouth to two other dentists who gave me a bid of $31,000 and $43,000 all detailed out in a fancy dental package. That was it. I hit the wall— I was considering pulling all of my teeth with a set of long-nosed electrical pliers and putting in those multi-colored gummy bears as temporary teeth.

Then it hit me! When I was Tarpon fishing is Costa Rica I heard stories from some old xpats that dentistry in Costa Rica was very reasonable and they were pleased with the results.
On my first google search I turned up The Meza Dental Care website located in San Jose, Costa Rica. I e-mailed them asking if they could do the dental work I had outlined in my Dental plan from the states. To my greatest surprise they e-mailed a professional e-mail stating that they could do all of the services and would be glad to assist me with any of the details while visiting Costa Rica including lodging if I so desired.

The following day I received a phone call from Dr. Alberto Meza the Director of Meza Dental Care who explained what I had to do which was basically show up in San Jose and they would do the rest. When I enquired about payment he indicated I could pay for the services with visa card or travelers cheques. Having friends and family want to commit you just for opting to use a dentist in a third world country didn’t exactly help with the pre- dental jitters. The only thing I knew for sure was If I saw him with a blowtorch I was out of there.

It was pouring down rain when I arrived in San Jose. The pilot indicated we actually flew to Panama and back tracked because of heavy weather. As part of the dental courtesy they pick you up at the airport and deliver you direct to your hotel. They hold up a sign with a tooth on it and have your name printed on the sign. Off you go, with the transportation assistant, a beautiful girl who drives you in her new car with a tooth painted on the side of the car. She reminded me the plane was a couple of hours late and maybe I wanted to check in to my hotel or you could go directly to the dentist’s office and get started. I looked at the clock it was Saturday afternoon at exactly 3:00 p.m. when I sat down in the Dentist chair.

Without exaggerating The Dentists Office was the most state of the art modern facility I had ever seen. In fact it was so impressive I thought someone, someday will use the Dentist’s Office as a movie scene. There you were on the rooftop of San Jose looking over a vast part of the city with trees right up to the windows and a bevy of beautiful colorful birds chirping away. The dentist reclines you back one more notch and your off to dream land. The entire dentist office was a combination of all white and blue with upbeat streaming latin music piped into every room.

The dentist welcomed me and told me he was going to give me an exam and write up an estimate for the work. In less than a half hour I had the entire proposal in a computerized spread sheet itemized in a printout blue brochure. The total cost was $8040 less a 5% discount for cash which came to $7638 with a few minor adjustments. I gave him one third down and he asked me If I had time for him to do a deep cleaning on all of my teeth. It would be less than three hours. He wanted to have that done on Saturday so he could go to work on Monday morning. I looked at the clock as the Dentist worked non-stop and only took one five minute break for me to go to the bathroom. It was exactly 6:00 p.m. when he finished the cleaning procedure which was performed by the Dentist himself— not some dental assistant. I was extremely impressed! The transportation dental girl delivered me to my hotel and waived goodbye. “I’ll see you bright and early Monday morning at 7:45 as I will be picking you up.”

Being on a strict budget I elected to stay at the Backpacker’s Hostel which set me back about $7.00 to $10.00 per night . It had a swimming pool, movie entertainment, and food court. I took 21 days to have the dental work completed and also planned to visit some Costa Rican points of interest for my reward part of the vacation.

Monday morning the dental assistant picked me up at my hotel and took me directly to a lab where they took dental ex-rays of all of my teeth which were ready in 10 minutes. From there we proceeded to the Dentist’s office where he began to remove all of my old silver fillings, put in new material (approx. 12) did several root canals, six full porcelain crowns, composite whitening of all my teeth and arranged dental surgery for 3 tooth implants. By Thursday of that week I was finished and told to come back in about a week to have my permanent crowns fitted. The transportation dental assistant picked me up and took me back to my hotel for every appointment.

Aside from the fact that I looked a bit strange at the Hostel after my dental surgery the entire experience was nearly pain free and I can’t say enough about the professionalism demonstrated through every step. I was ready for the fun part of my dental vacation. I took a five hour bus trip to the town of Fortuna at the base of a magnificent volcano.

The town of Fortuna reminds me of Steamboat Springs, Colorado back in 1968 with it’s laid back style yet a sense of a new frontier. Situated only five minutes from the hot springs spa with it beautiful gardens, and pools set at different temperatures is about as close to heaven as you can get. They give you a map showing the different temperatures of each pool including a cold pool so you can hop from a hot pool into a cold pool and watch the world go by. The restaurants served excellent Costa Rican food with many fresh fish dishes complete with fresh fruits and Costa Rican coffee.

While staying in Fortuna I wanted to have some lab work done and I was tested for almost everything known to man including Malaria, Lime disease, Yellow Fever plus thirty things that I helped choose with the lab-technician who couldn’t speak a word of english and me with my limited spanish. Within 24 hours he had the results printed out at a grand cost of $64.00. While on a roll I had a body massage at the massage school in Fortuna and was ready for my next leg. At breakfast the following morning I asked what the thundering noise was in the middle of the night and was told it was just the volcano erupting. It never carries on like that in modern times, but in the past it wiped out entire villages. Hasta Luego Amigo— I’m out of here!

After catching a ride by car we traveled through the mountains of Costa Rica on the back roads where we witnessed everything from large bird nests, to magnificent orchids and scenery that was out of this world. You felt like you were driving on the edge of the world as we proceeded through switchbacks and small mountain towns.

This is the form of travel I enjoy the most— looking at the signs, waiting for an oxcart to cross the road and wandering how they could build such beautiful churches on the side of a mountain and just watching the people go by. From there I went to a small town about one and half hours from Costa Rica known for its coffee plantations and stayed in a hotel run by a Frenchman who served the best coffee and deserts a man could envision. After being chased into a sausage shop by a pack of wild dogs I decided it was time to head for the Pacific Coast where the bus arrived eight hours late due to heavy downpours and road-washouts. I had made a reservation by e-mail and only had a name of a surf shop that had cabinas but couldn’t wake anyone up. Looking at my watch it was 4:00 a.m. Taking the lead from some surfing locals I walked a mile in the dark only to be greeted by a new bunch of dogs who didn’t wake anyone up but myself. I hightailed it back to town where someone near the beach ran a hostel and threw me the key. The room had no sheets, no blankets, no water, no electricity— but what the hell at least I was safe from the dogs. I said my prayers as I drifted off to sleep.

The following morning I hooked up with Chris the surfer from The Tico Adventure Lodge. After a tico breakfast right on the beach I settled into my brand new tree house room overlooking the canopy in the town of Samara. The cost of the room because it was off season was $20.00 a night. It was all natural woods and tile with a front balcony overlooking the canopy and a landscaped swimming pool. Swinging on my hammock from my front porch and listening to the Howler Monkeys I felt as if I died and went to heaven.

The following morning I carried my lab results to the local pharmacy who introduced me to a tico doctor who did his training in Miami. He interpreted all of the lab results and sent me to the clinic which was one hour by bus for an sonogram. I brought back the results in a sealed enevelope on the bus that same afternoon.

After the doctor appointment the following day he invited me to have a vegetarian lunch in the back half of his house which he prepared. During lunch he explained he moved back to this small town so he could surf and fish. “By the way I have the afternoon off so if you would like to go fishing with me we will leave in fifteen minutes.” The total cost of three doctor visits plus the sonogram was under $100.00.

So there you have it if you want to live on the wild side and visit with friendly people who aren’t out to rob you blind—- maybe it’s time to schedule a medical vacation. Costa Rica is becoming an international hotspot for plastic surgery, dentistry, and medical procedures.

Quote: “My tastes are simple I like only the best.”

——SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW: “Kemo Sabe”, meaning an all knowing one, is actually a mispronunciation by Native American of the Spanish phrase, Quien lo Sabe, meaning one who knows.” —— greatfacts.com

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat (Lasiorhinus krefftii)
The northern hairy-nosed wombat is classified as a member of the order Marsupialia (Marsupials) and is a member of the family Vombatidae. It is classified as a critically endangered species due to an estimated extent of occurrence that is less than 100 km², a severely fragmented population, a projected decline in quality of habitat, and an estimated population of less than 50 mature individuals. The northern hairy-nosed wombat can be found in Australia. ——Geocities.com

Zentraveler says keep traveling until you arrive!

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Zentraveler uncovers secrets of the Dead Sea!

Sometimes you have to look around you to hit the mother-lode. A simple word uttered in the movie Mrs. Robinson opened up an entire industry. “PLASTICS!” Bill Gates dropped out of college to help develop the computer and we are currently fighting wars over the oil patch— not to mention nanotechnology, robotics and bio-diesel. The keyboard and mouse are already obsolete, touch technology is taking its place. Not so fast don’t rush out and get all new technology. Talk technology has arrived. This is pretty good a pleasant sounding voice giving you instructions on how to navigate. Who would have thunk it! A man listening to the voice of a woman on how to find the right direction. We are evolving faster than the words can fly across the internet. That’s crazy fast warp speed. Hang on!

Liars and criminals take note and especially large business and politicians— we have technology that not only tells you when you are lying but also tells you what you are thinking. Case in point. You are at the singles bar scene and just deliver your best line. “Your prettier than a new set of snow tires.” She reads your real mind and delivers you a haymaker knocking you off your stool. Does anyone have a need for some useless criminal defense attorneys. Maybe they could pick turnips in the fields or do pro bona highway garbage pickup. What’s all this nonsense about technology? Keep reading I may need a partner to harvest the goodies.

What if I told you I know of the richest deposits in the world that would make all of our other resources look like chump change. Would you be interested?

Warp speed to the rich mineral deposits buried miles and miles below the Dead Sea.
There are enough minerals and riches buried at 57.6 miles below the Dead Sea to purchase all of the real estate on this Earth and feed, clothe, and house every living soul. Might as well include the animals too -some don’t want houses and cages and matched environments and the Richard Simmons diet spin a meal. Can you imagine the commission on this mother-lode. Move over Citybank we are gearing up.

What could be easier— even cave-persons could bore a test hole of 57.6 miles if they put their minds to it. A bit of research shows it may not be quite so easy. We may need an EASY BUTTON or a partner with deep pockets. Richard Branson would have to turn his reward booty over if we hit pay-dirt. What are we waiting for let’s start digging.

This quote from a recent Bill Bryson book.

In the 1960s…
Earth scientists decided to drill through the Earth’s crust down to the Mohorovicic discontinuity (where upper mantle begins), and take a sample.

“The project became known as the Mohole and it was pretty well disastrous. The hope was to lower a drill through 14,400 feet (4.5 km) of Pacific Ocean water off through relatively thin crustal rock. Drilling from a ship in open waters is, in the words of one oceanographer, “like trying to drill a hole in the sidewalks of New York from top the Empire state Building using a strand of spaghetti.” Every attempt ended in failure. The deepest they penetrated was only about 600 feet (200 m). The Mohole became known as No Hole. In 1966, exasperated with ever-rising costs and no results, Congress killed the project.

Four years later, Soviet scientists decided to try their luck on dry land. They chose a spot on Russia’s Kola peninsula, near the Finnish border, and set to work with the hope of drilling to fifteen kilometers. The work proved harder then expected, but the Soviets were commendingly persistent. When at last they gave up, nineteen years later, they had drilled to a depth of 12262 meters, or about 7.8 miles. … the Kola hole had not cut even one-third of the way through the crust, we can hardly claim to have conquered the interior.”

Fear not nay-sayers I have used laser glasses and ran the test which shows an entire ocean of oil, a mountain of gold, a silver and turquoise mesa, diamonds and green emeralds bigger than boulders plus a hidden bonanza.

So if anyone wants to save this planet now is your chance. Start digging!

Disclaimer: Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Turkey, Syria, Israel, Pakistan, Russia, China, Egypt, Sweden, Jamaica and Amoco oil all have a claim that they individually own all of the mineral rights. This looks like a politicians dream and here come the attorneys. I think I’ll pass. I ‘m going fishing instead— or else you will find me floating belly up on the Dead Sea— if you get my drift.

QUOTE: My Jesus Mercy
Alphonse Capone
(Mt. Carmel Cemetery; Chicago, Illinois) —— corsinet.com

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW:
What was the largest creature ever to walk the earth? The answer is certainly a dinosaur, and certainly a sauropod. Depending on how accurate current estimates are, a sauropod might even be the largest creature ever to have existed, perhaps beating the Blue Whale’s record of 103 feet and weight of +175 tons. ——growabrain.typepad.com

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: HAWAIIAN MONK SEAL They are Endangered only 500 to fifteen hundred of the species left on this Earth.

“The Hawaiian monk seal has a streamlined body to aid in swimming. Their front and back limbs are flipper-like. The front flippers are smaller than the back flippers. The front flippers have five digits. The hind flippers cannot be turned forward, so they must wiggle when on land. In the water, they propel themselves by moving the hind flippers and use their front flippers as rudders. They are dark gray on their back side and silvery gray on their stomachs.

Males are approximately seven feet long and weigh about 400 pounds. Female Hawaiian monk seals are larger than males, up to 7.5 feet long and weigh up to 600 pounds.”
——kidsplanet.org

ZENTRAVELER SAYS stop and smell the flowers then discover the motherlode. It’s right in front of you.

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Zentraveler discovers Royal Monkey Empire in Honduras!

Intrigued by the stories told, the alleged wildness of the place and the many groups of Indigenous Indians with their separate languages I headed toward the Mosquito region of Honduras.(a wilderness paradise east of Trujillo and running toward Nicaragua)My research showed this region was the largest tract of virgin rainforest in the Northern Hemisphere. I had a vague idea of my self designed trip into one of the wildest regions of the Americas. Landing at San Pedro Sula I headed overland on secondary buses. It was good to be back on the road again. Miles and miles of royal palms, little hamlets with their Coco-Cola signs plastered everywhere and the Marlboro Man—- as if we need anymore reminders.

At least where I am headed I won’t be inundated with advertising signs. Man somedays I just want to say enough is enough already— leave the beauty. Arriving at the town of Trujillo with a statue of Oliver North reminding us Americans of just one more screwed up warring effort. I checked into a local bar and told some xpats I was heading into the Mosquito region on a self-imposed exploratory trip. After the rum started to take hold every last person advised against going in alone. Recounting stories of a female archeologist who was recently be-headed and was told flat out “Muy Peligroso Senor” why don’t you visit the Bay Islands and go diving or bird-watching like a normal tourist?”

That’s all I needed to hear! I was psyched— a place no-one one should go alone. Taking the bus from Trujillo I headed south to the town of Puerto Lempira where I loaded up on supplies. From Puerto Lempira I headed toward Perla which I was told was the last town of any consequence on the Mosquito Coast. It started to pour buckets of rain and I began to doubt the sanity of this trip all together. You couldn’t see ten feet in front of you. So much for designer trips —I think I just designed the trip from hell.

While being holed up in Perla on the coast I was told the bus-driver would be there tomorrow morning at exactly five a.m. By the third day I was getting a mild case of cabin fever and wanted to move on. “No problema senor! Buses haven’t been running. All of the roads are washed out— maybe manana. It’s the rainy season you never know what Mother Nature has in store.” Slap, Slap, as I killed yet another mosquito! Big Mosquitos in Perla!

Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough. I heard the bus blowing it’s horn as it flew into town at exactly 4:20. Thank God I was awake and packed. I ran down to the corner with an Olympic effort — just in time to flag the bus down as it was pulling out of town.

Tropical jungle everywhere as we pierced our way through the mountainous terrain. I sat directly behind the bus-driver and could see the pavement or dirt road directly under my feet. It started to rain crazy fast as we maneuvered our way through some mangrove swamps. The bus-driver stopped the bus over a rather deep ditch. He jumped out the side door and hit a gator over the head with a tire iron— throwing the gator between the bus-drivers seat and my feet where he continued to kick, and thrash, and make snarling noises.

The road narrowed with the ditches getting deeper and the mud more menacing as we headed along the coast. We came upon a rusty barbed-wire fence right in the middle of the road stretched from tree to tree serving as posts. A rather worm-faced man with a machine-gun appeared from nowhere, hopped on the bus and made a few spot luggage checks. He couldn’t get my Swiss army pack untied so he just moved on. The bus-driver had to reach in his wallet and give the man a stack of money.

As we were pulling out a man dressed in black with all black combat boots and a green duffle bag hoped on the bus and took the last remaining seat next to me. Traveling through the blistery rain he began to assemble a machine gun which was in pieces in his duffle bag.
After saying my hellos the rather stern looking all serious man with a large black mustache asked me what I was doing here in the tropical jungle of Honduras. I told him I was heading to the Mosquito region where I was searching for the Indigenous Indians and their trail of underwater petroglyphs. Just like the info I received from the last bar he leaned over and said: “Very Peligroso Senor!” Darkness came across the dense Honduran jungle. The bus came to a grinding halt in the middle of nowhere. He whispered “This is my jumping off point— I’m heading into the mountains to track bandidos.”

The driver got out and installed chains on both sets of dual wheels on the back of the bus plus the two front wheels. Our red bus was now a chocolate brown as we submarined ourselves through the next series of water hazards. As we went down submerged above the floor boards in muddy water our bus-driver yelled: “Everyone out!” as the engine made a clanking sound and then conked out with one more last thrust. Pitch dark and raining like hell, I finally was able to find the bus-driver who told me to walk east for about three miles until I could hear the ocean and then walk south approximately one mile to the small unnamed native hut fishing village.

Walking through the jungle with my boy-scout flashlight in the pouring driving rain I was beginning to think maybe I went to far this time. I was getting flashbacks of my high-school days and could hear the warnings my parents often gave me. Starting down the beach in the driving rain I thought maybe this was it. Could anyone survive these tropical rains and what if I just got washed away — who would know! Another hour on the beach in the drenching rain I spotted a fisherman’s hut just off the beach with a plume of smoke coming from the thatched roof. I knocked on the door to be greeted by a short black Caribbean man who invited me in for the night. He told me point blank that I shouldn’t be wandering around in the jungle by myself because it was “Muy Peligroso!” Are you kidding me! He fixed me up with a hot cup of tea and placed me in front of the fire. He lit up a 30 inch ivory pipe and began to tell jungle stories as I drifted off to sleep. I was told later he was a Garifuna which means fun-loving sea loving folks located all along the Mosquito Coast. I couldn’t have had a nicer host… I was very grateful indeed. I often wandered If somone knocked on our door would we do the same.

The following morning he shook me and yelled: “Here comes da truck running the beach. Get moving mon- if you run fast enough you can catch a ride all the way down beach.” With the bright sun and all blue sky juxtaposed against the mountainous jungle and flying along the beach, I felt as if everything was coming together. Thank you Jesus! The truck came to a roaring stop with the truck-driver announcing: “This is the end of the line. This is as far south as a vehicle can go. You have to work your way into the Mosquito region by taking a series of dugout canoes and walking. “Buena Surete Senor!”

Yelling thank you very much I walked several hundred yards and came to an opening. Here I was able to hire a motor-driven canoe called a TUK TUK which took me approximately twelve miles through the jungle on a small tributary. At the small fisherman village I had lunch with six men, all of whom were packing pistolas stuck in the front of their pants, with the revolver handles sticking out in plain sight. Another man entered and enquired If I wanted a place to stay for the night. Since he wasn’t packing I thought I might as well bed down— I could already see a dark series of rain clouds were heading our way.

His daughter and wife began grinding the corn and preparing the evening meal while he poured us each a cup of jungle juice. He lauged heartily by telling me we were having green Iguana for dinner– he hoped I was hungry. He indicated he was of German decent and had settled here 60 years ago. I carried my boy-scout flashlight in my right side of my pants and If you were astute enough it might look like a pistol. At least that’s what I thought. On my second cup of jungle juice he point blank asked me: “If I had a pistola?” I told him I did! He asked what I did with the pistola and I pointed my finger right between his eyes and told him I shoot people.

I turned in that night sorrounded by pavo silvestres only to hear a pounding on my door at about 2:00 A.M. It was the ole German who told me we had to leave immediately for the mountains. As we made our way through a maze of jungle paths he explained there was a rogue jaguar eating all of his cattle and he was treed just last week for 24 hours. He visually demonstrated how he escaped and showed me his scratches as he fled for his life.

What seemed like an eternity suddenly turned into an adventure of a lifetime as the ole German took me into a limestone crevice which opened into a white city of marble. Impeccable buildings made of hand carved marble mimicked the imagery of a lost civilization. Just then four large all white monkeys dressed in flowing red satin robes embellished with gold thread came out of nowhere and greeted us formally. Your Royal Pectus, Your Royal Zeus, Your Royal Herman and me I am the king. “What brings you here? I hope you aren’t a missionary, reporter, scientist, archeologist, type trying to steal our secrets. Tell him my German friend what happens if anyone gets to close. He made a throat cutting gesture so I would get the message.

Clap, Clap, Earth Servants please serve out guests the special tea. Looking like the crash test dummies the all white Earth Servants mysteriously showed up with steaming hot tea. Bowing— they handed us bright red tea cups with green wax embossed Chinese lettering and disappeared into the ether.

Show em the Doom Room Pectus! Hundreds of skeletons all labeled and in perfect shape imbedded into marble with an alcohol process making them appear as if they were neon purple liquid lluminaries. You could still see green blood running through their veins and arteries. “A nuclear expression of plutonium” one of them mummured. Each Earth Body was numbered and labeled with their Misdemeanor on Society. “Would you like to see the Hydraulics Room”? Through a rainbow labyrinth we wound around going through a series of revolving doors until we reached the elevator where we used centrifugal force and shot down a three mile all white tunnel— brightly lighted with about 4 billion candle-lights of power.

Historian Monkey as he was called snapped his fingers while the doors flung open into The Lost City of Pacificus. Real humans mixed with Royal Animals and Gods milled around naked and drank cups of mystical tea. He pointed out there very svelte figures and mentioned they were mostly hydroponic and didn’t eat anything. They only drank liquids which accounted for their longevity. I asked King White Monkey if anyone ever made it out of here alive and he pointed his staff at the ole German. “Would you like to stay for the Jaguar Transformation Ceremony he enquired? You see it’s the ole German’s turn— he just getting too dam nosey if you know what I mean.”

Historian Monkey opened up the Jade Room with a mountain of elaborate carvings representing all of the major civilizations on Earth. He explained the intricate carvings were carved by laser precision light with no tools. He opened the Gold Room for a glance at most of the glitter in the World entombed here for safe keeping. He quickly spun through the Emerald and Diamonds Rooms and stopped briefly at the Universe (digitally lighted) Mapping Room which he said came in handy for space travel. At the Leisure Room they had a beautiful swimming pool with monkeys swimming laps and playing chess with Jade pieces. Pulling a red lever next to the PEACE LORDS ROOM by mistake we shot out of the system as if being shot from a cannon.

Once out of the labyrinth I looked at my German friend and said I hope you said goodbye to your wife and daughter. Out of nowhere a large Jaguar cat leaped from an overhanging tree more than 30 feet– taking the German to the ground. All I could hear him say was: “Shoot senor shoot!”

Back on the airplane in San Pedro Sula I knew that was the final Transformation Ceremony and I didn’t want any parts of that ritual– I have places to go and places to see. Adios Amigos!

PostScript: I have tried to find the Royal White Monkeys and The Lost Civilization of Pacificus several times and haven’t even turned up one clue. Of course down in the fishing village everyone knows of the legend and a few even say they could guide me there when the time has come. So forget fancy burial plots and cremation schemes I know where I’m going to perform the ultimate transformation. Can anyone keep a secret I have a map. Of course If I told anyone and showed anyone I would be history. If anyone has seen the Mosquito Coast movie with Harrison Ford you simply hike about one mile north of the ice factory and turn west at the Missionary Plantation. You make your way along a treacherous ravine then you proceed approximately 21.5 miles through mountainous jungle terrain and look for the hidden crevice. It’s so simple to find even a cave-person could find it. Buena Surete and did I mention it is Muy Peligroso!

QUOTE: ” I believe there is nothing we can’t achieve if we put our minds to it.”
——ROYAL MONKEYS

THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW:The Fierce Snake or Inland Taipan has the most toxic venom of any snake. Maximum yield recorded (for one bite) is 110mg. That would probably be enough to kill over 100 people or 250,000 mice.—- Convictcreations.com

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO SAVE: The forests of Boreno! This makes the chainsaw masacre look like a cartoon compared to what’s happening in Boreno.

Zentraveler says quit monkeying around and at least save this Planet.

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