Zentraveler interviews Bigfoot!

During a blistery snow storm in the Himalayas I spotted a single light in the distant and started to feel warm all over as if someone was breathing hot air down my neck. My god I have always heard just before you freeze to death you begin to feel warm and then its curtain call. I lifted my legs one by one— literally pulling myself through eight foot snowdrifts and trying my best to reach the single light in the distant.

Still not sure whether I was seeing an mirage or not. Not one footprint in the driving snow. I came upon what looked like a Medieval Bavarian Inn with a single string of tiny white lights silhouetting the interior. It looked so cozy I figured this was probably The Sugarplum House. I was also told just before you cash in your chips you will begin to see pleasant surroundings like a Snow White Disney flick in warp speed. I knocked on the twelve foot double door as hard as I could. I was frozen to death— at least that’s how I felt. I prayed someone would open the door so I wouldn’t actually freeze to death. I had icicles hanging from my nostrils and was covered with the white stuff.

An ancient Chinese man bedecked in brilliantly braided pigtails and dressed in a bright red robe welcomed me to the only Tea House on the Himalayas hidden passage. “You lucky fellow not many people pass this way. What hell you doing here 50 below zero on the nastiest storm of the century?”

I’m here on a journalistic tip. I heard the elusive Big Foot travels this ancient Tea route from time to time. “You funny fellow! Let me get you some hot yak tea. You look almost frozen to death.” As I was saying my prayers, coming out of hypothermia and enjoying the yak tea I heard a huge thump against the heavy wooden door.

In he came— standing 9 foot tall all covered with snow. I sucked on my yak tea and almost passed out on the spot. He shook himself off like a dog in front of the thirty five foot stone fireplace and came over to the huge red and Green lacquered Chinese Emperors Chair, where he sat down. Still in shock, I couldn’t help but notice the glitter of his jet black fur, the size of his feet and the structure of his enormous head.

Do you speak english I enquired? ” Indeed I do! with a very proper English accent.” Do you speak any other languages? ” Yes including all of the different dialects I speak 36,999 earth languages. Want to here some Swahili, Urdu or Chinese Mandarin?” That’s not necessary, but while we are on languages– what is your favorite? “I like the Chinese Sing Sing girls up in the mountains. Every word they say is sung with a very beautiful melodic tone. I really dig dinosaur language too. I gave all of the animals their own language code. Let’s see it’s been a while. Augghr, Augghr, allboutzeoil, smack, xtinct just a little sample of pure Dinosaur.” Do You mind If I take a few notes? “Go right ahead.”

As the Chinese Teahouse owner served Bigfoot his yak tea I couldn’t help but notice a pair of infared night goggles hanging around his neck. What’s with the night goggles I asked. “As you can see I am getting a little gray around the muzzle and these night goggles guard against the driving snow blizzards. Very useful.”

Can I ask you a very direct question. Why did you come in from the cold? Bigfoot roared with laughter and said: ” To get warm!” This is beyond my expectations a language man with a sense of humor. Bigfoot then volunteered: “Don’t get me wrong I mule some informations from time to time.” Give me an example.” I gave that Ben Laden fellow some GPS coordinates.” That’s impressive! No dam wonder we can’t find him.

“I hope this isn’t awkward for you but I am TOTALLY CONNECTED. I will try to break this down so you can understand. About 669 million Condoleezzas ago I was sent to earth to see what I could do with an experiment. I was given three small seed containers, one had human seeds, (I created Adam and Eve) one had animal seeds, and the third had plant seeds.

You should have seen this place— it was a lava nightmare. Not a drop of top soil on the entire earth. That’s when I knew I couldn’t do this simple earthing on my own and called for backup. I invented SLAVERY that’s one of my most important contributions to civilization. The Adam and Eve and cavemen bunch were narcissistic sloths who really had no interest in the work ethic— so I had to think outside of the box. I started importing workers from different cosmos. I was extremely proud to bring in the wide-nosed Mayans on a specially designed spacecraft. It wasn’t long before they built beautiful civilizations, invented the calendar and designed new airstrips to tap into other cosmos with their warp-speed hovers.

After completing our work in Central and South America I sent a crew to Egypt and got them crazy fast ramped up to building stuff. It was a sight to see. I will never forget the lovely taste of Egyptian beer after we finished the Pyramids. Talk about a party! I provided all of the beer, food and entertainment. It was the least I could do to show my appreciation. We had to plant all the trees, haul in all the rocks and then try to surround the earth with water so we could develop secret underwater communities. A bit of a secret I never even reported to the big guy.

I’m getting very sleepy what did they put in this yak tea? Let me ask you something Bigfoot. How come no-one ever caught up with you before— not that I did you understand.” If you look at the archives on Bigfoot I dropped many excellent footprints in the snow. But did the Scientific Community ever wonder what happened when the footprints stopped. Goes to show you what kind of limited intelligence the people on earth have doesn’t it.”

“I had a disappear button installed inside my right fur pocket. Anytime anyone would come too close I would push the button and poof. It comes in handy when people like Barbara Walters and the paparazzi are hot on your trail— not to mention when you are on military maneuvers. You seem to have an amazing amount of information for a creature we see fleeing through the forests …how is this possible? He pointed a finger to his enormous brain and gave a pose like the great thinker you see depicted in archeological museums.”

“I will tell you off record you seem to be a decent guy. My real mission is to report to the big guy. I have a special v chip which was installed 23 Condoleezzas ago that allows me an earth feed where I am currently mine-dating everything that goes on. He held his head up with his chin jutting upward… I could see a few huge tears rolling down his leather face. Almost apologetically he stated: “I have some very horrific news. I am the decision maker here and as long as I am the decision maker— unless you earthlings shape up I’m going to eliminate every civilization on earth except, the Indigenous Indians, my dear friend The Dali Lama, several islands in the South Pacific, that hidden Chinese mountain town with the Sing Sing girls and JAMAICA MON.

Them cats are really kool!

I must have fallen asleep in my chair when the Chinese Teahouse keeper asked me If I wanted to turn in. I shook Bigfoot’s hand, thanked him for the interview and was about to head down the hallway when Bigfoot stood up and said: “I see you are not wearing a wire and all of your camera equipment— along with your video cellphone is packed away in your backpack as he uttered what sounded like “sweet dreams in yiddish.”

The following morning while eating apricot saki muffins and another cup of yak tea (Man that’s good stuff) I asked The Chinese Tea-keeper if Bigfoot was asleep or had already left the premises. “You mean the magical creature YETTI from Tibetan folklore. He’s everywhere!” Laughing like a crazy loon he did a backward somersault.

You saw him last night you served him tea and I took notes . ” You funny fellow!
You noticed I didn’t have you sign the register or put your passport number in the log.
As far as last night went I would say you probably had two many cups of yak tea.”

“Ariva derche amigo— have a safe journey” as he reversed twirled with a martial arts move and lightly broomed me out the door. Heading south on the no-path I heard a hellish screech and the words: “ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK YOUR SOURCES!”

” Good luck my friend this will test how good you really are. You remind me of those pseudo scientists clamoring around about Pilltown man, skulls with bullet holes in their heads before bullets were invented and Darwin. Don’t get me started on him. If those scientists wanted to know where all the bones are buried why don’t they just ask me. Who do you think taught the elephants. Did you know I had a hand in designing all of the animals on earth. They turned out pretty good wouldn’t you say. I like those Jaguars, Peacocks and Chinese Golden Monkeys Hell I like them all. Do you know why I put stripes on Zebras. When large cats are chasing them it creates an optical illusion -just enough to throw them off. Neat. I think I’ll keep them on earth and might even add a few. Chuckle, Chuckle— I can see it all now. Visit Earth and see the the only living ANIMAL PLANET!

” A human being is a part of the whole called by us “the universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in it’s beauty.”

——ALBERT EINSTEIN

Things you may not know: The Americas should have been named the Vespucci’s
Since America was named after Amerigo Vespucci
The Cook islands weren’t called the James or were they

Things you may want to save: THE BLUE-FIN TUNA They are in big trouble

Zentraveler says: Rhino line yourself or study the martial arts- we all need extra protection

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