Zentraveler’s guide to healthfood stores!

Just like Nick Nolte the famous hollywood actor maybe it’s time to make a few life changes. You look at yourself and decide I’m going to eat and live healthy. Off you go in your new neon green Hummer decked out in bright orange shorts, fish belt, purple crocs, gold embossed sports shirt— topped off with the latest (fedora. If it is good enough for Brad Pitt it’s good enough for you). Your Hummer exceeds the parking stripes in the environmentally correct shopping center tucked away so good you need your GPS device to guide yourself in. Now the fun begins!

If your new to this healthfood store venue consider renting a Pitt Bull seeing eye dog and a white cane—they tend to be be more sympathetic to your stupid questions and at least you have protection. You could always pretend that you were deaf and dumb as the store clerk rambles on about their new mango organic toothpaste direct from the Peruvian jungles.

Consider going to a make-up artist and have them outfit you with round strawberry wire rim glasses, a snap-on ponytail and drab olive green or tan outerwear. Pick up a used volvo so you can at least fit into the parking space. In general the more down to earth you are
the better you fit in.

As you proceed through the store be considerate of others and never shout “Oh my god $3.98 cents for a ripe banana I can get one at the 7-11 for .39 cents.” Cruising through the store always take all of the free samples that they have laid out for you. Those black potato chips are a little chewy but they must be really good for you. Let me check the label. You now pull out a magnifying glass and just like a good detective— you discover the saturated fat level is 47 per cent.

Moving on it’s really a grin watching people fill bags full of nuts, grinding their own coffee,
and selecting vile looking green drinks from the reefer. Afterall our ancestors were food gathers sort of tugs at your heart strings doesn’t it! Now it’s time to get schooled. You simply ask the store clerk if they have anything to boost your immune system. The clerk asked you if you prefer tinctures, small pills that fit under your tongue or the latest formula from DR. Green. You pick up the new formula and turn the bottle upside down where you detect a white label pricing point and of course you can’t read it— but it looks like $9.95 that ain’t bad… I think I’ll take that.

You overhear folks talking about their colon cleaning procedures, miracle cold cures and general chit-chat about what’s hot and what’s not. One guy pulls his dentures out and asked the clerk if they have any organic cement. Now if the clerk is really stumped and you tell her you came down with Hashimoto’s Disease she will take you over to the reference library and tell you to look it up.” There’s a cure for everything and we probably have it.
Let me know If I can help you this is my first day. This is really a green place don’t you think!” “Yea a lot of green I mumbled!”

Since this is your first visit you don’t want to act like a cheap chump so by now you have selected the 12 oz immune builder, one green drink, one box of Siberian Ginseng, one box of prostate tea, a gallon jug of emulsified grapefruit extract and three organic carrots.

That was easy everyone here seems so helpful and healthy. I would never known I needed
emulsified grapefruit extract if it weren’t for the Swedish blonde exchange student who suggested this is what gave her voluptuous body such a glow. Who would have known?

Heading to the checkout clerk I figured this small sampling of health-food items would probably cost about $39.00 As she totaled up the bill I flipped her a credit card and she reported that I was over my limit. “That’s impossible I declared I have at least $300.00 on that card— how much is the bill anyway?” Lowering her librarian type glasses she peered down and said with a smile “It’s just $499.00 with your senior discount plugged in.” “Hey buddy can you hurry up with it already there’s a line waiting here.” So I flip her another credit card— sign it and exit the store.

Upon inspecting the bill I noticed the immune support rang up at $199.95 and the emulsified grapefruit rang up exactly at $199.95—- lord knows what my organic carrots came in at my eyes are a blur— will someone call 911? I’m having chest pains! As they closed the doors on the ambulance he mumurred something like “I shulda taken better care of myself If God will just let me slide this one more time I promise I will eat healthy.”

” A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today and now it is new. It is like that— every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop observing change, then we stop seeing everything as new.”

DZIGAR KONGTRUL RINPOCHE

Zentraveler says eat plenty of homemade chicken soup, an apple a day and if you want to put your dentist out of business start munching on raw carrots.

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1 Comment

Filed under Blogging, health, humor, travel, Uncategorized, writing

One response to “Zentraveler’s guide to healthfood stores!

  1. dtrennin@supernerdio.com

    funny

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