Monthly Archives: January 2007

Zentraveler says fasting is to die for!

Throughout history every since they have been keeping records civilizations experimented with fasting. Many religions incorporated fasting doctrines because It allowed a platform in which to guide their people. The earliest monks practiced fasting because they believed it not only cleansed and purified their bodies, but it helped them get closer in their spiritual pursuits.

Their are many forms of fasting. People who have never fasted think my God do I have to give up eating. There is almost any kind of a fast you can think of plus you could design your own fast. There’s the monk fast with wine, bread and cheese. There’s the jail-house fast with bread and water. The meat only fast, the meat and cheese fast, the chicken fast, the fish fast, the dry bread fast, the vegetarian fast, and while we are on the subject of fasting; We can fast against our televisions sets, fast against throwing rocks, fast against swearing, fast against road-rage, fast against our bosses- with a degree of difficulty thrown in. The always popular mother-in-law fast. The no-fast— popular with folks who have never fasted and never will. The government sponsored New Orleans fast, the African big fast, the Irish potato famine fast, and the totally inexcusable fast forced on children by their irresponsible governments and leaders around the world, another good reason to fast one day a week and give the food you would have eaten, to a world food bank or just send them a check. It’s good to be good!

If you think fasting may be your cup of tea this is one sport you may not want to include the words: “I’m into extreme fasting!” Jesus and that crew wondered around in the desert for about forty days and didn’t eat much, but they scored some pure water, a bit of cacti and could always turn water into a delicious red wine if really hungry or thirsty. If you quit eating on a fast long enough you will die. Our biology teacher Mr. adams said if you were stranded in the desert or the wilderness and could only have two items that would sustain life the longest what would they be? Answer: PEANUTS AND WATER.

Aside from all of the religious fasts which I happen to think are very important– a fast can become a very private matter. Our body is designed to use a very complicated chemical enzyme code to break down all of the food that we put into our bodies.

The squeezers, ringers and emulsifiers actually yell out to each other and hangout in the breakdown room. ” Here comes a scoop of mash potatoes and gravy.” You would think by now the breakdown crew would learn to multi-task the answer is. No. Each food category you eat requires a special team of breakdown technicans, who have to rush out and start working like mad to get your food thinned down in the digestive tract, so it can eventually end in the waste-can. Like anyone else, digestive tract breakdown specialists, need a vacation from time to time. Has anyone ever heard the religious term— and he rested on the Sabbath? Your body needs to rest— also it gives it time to rebuild.

They have the Monday fast, fat Tuesday, the Wednesday fast, the Thursday fast, the Friday fast, the Saturday fast and the Sunday fast– along with The Lenten Fast, The Ramadama fast, The 7 days of the Year Jewish fasts, tribal fasts and the list goes on and on. In fact if you look at history of civilization you will probably discover that many wars were fought over someone or government either trying to impose the fasting doctrines or take them away. You could have your bloody head cut off if you made a fasting mistake.

While visiting a friend over the Thanksgiving holiday I learned that all of the bothers in this particular family adopted the one day a week fast. They each looked extremely healthy and I inquired how they began fasting. Friend Pete stated: “I started feeling sluggish, was always snacking and decided it was time to take action. Each Monday I only drink mostly water and sometimes bullion or natural juices. The amazing thing is when Tuesday comes I reward myself with a huge salad and some vegetable soup and I am full. I’m not hungry anymore. By Wednesday a few smaller salads, more fruit, more vegetables, more water and pretty soon FASTING MONDAY rolls around like clock-work.”

IF YOU REALLY WANT A LASTING LIFE CHANGE!

THE ONE DAY FAST IS SO EASY TO DO EVEN A CAVEPERSON CAN DO IT.

I have personally adopted the Monday fast program for life and I feel quite a bit better about everything— for me it just works.

Wandering around one day in a health food store I ran across a small 50 page pamphlet entitled: THE MASTER CLEANSER by STANLEY BURROUGHS
It sells for $6.50 After reading the pamphlet I couldn’t wait to do the fast cleanse:

Here it is reprinted from The Master Cleanser Stanley Burroughs.

THE MASTER CLEANSER OR THE LEMONADE DIET

PURPOSE

To dissolve and eliminate toxins and congestion that have formed in any part of the body.
To cleanse the kidneys and the digestive system.
To purify the glands and cells throughout the entire body.
To eliminate all unusable waste and hardened material in the joints and muscles.
To relieve pressure and irritation in the nerves, arteries and blood vessels.
To build a healthy bloodstream.
To keep youth and elasticity regardless of our years.

WHEN TO USE IT

When sickness has developed–for all acute and chronic conditions.
When the digestive system needs a rest and a cleansing.
When overweight has become a problem.
When better assimilation and building of body tissue is needed.

AND HOW OFTEN?

Follow the diet fast for a minimum of 10 days or more—up to 40 days and beyond may be safely followed by extremely serious cases. The diet has all the nutrition needed during this time. Three to four times a year will do wonders for keeping the body in a normal healthy condition. The diet may be undertaken more frequently for serious conditions.

HERE IT IS— IT’S SO SIMPLE A CAVEPERSON COULD DO IT

HOW TO MAKE IT

2 Tbsp of lemon juice (approx. one-half lemon) (real lemons)
2 Tbsb of genuine maple syrup (darker grades most desirable)
one-tenth teaspoon of cayenne pepper
Water, medium hot (spring or purified)

Combine the lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper in a 10 oz. glass and fill with medium hot water. or (cold if preferred)

HOW MUCH DOES ONE DRINK?

Drink from 6 to 12 glasses of the lemonade daily during the waking period.

As you get hungry just have another glass of lemonade.

NO OTHER FOOD SHOULD BE TAKEN DURING THE FULL PERIOD OF THE DIET FAST

As this is a complete balance of minerals and vitamins, one does not suffer the pangs of hunger. Do not use vitamin pills. You can use extra water anytime you want to aid in the flushing process.

NOTE! WRITTEN BY STANLEY BURROUGHS

” THE FOLLOWING DIET IS GIVEN SOLELY AS A SUGGESTION; ANYONE WHO FOLLOWS IT DOES SO VOLUNTARILY. SINCE EACH PERSON NATURALLY, REACTS DIFFERENTLY, EACH INDIVIDUAL MUST USE HIS OWN JUDGMENT AS TO IT’S USE.”

I have personally used the 10 day Lemonade fast-diet and followed it to a tee. After day two you are not even hungry. You will develop a new repore with the commode throne. You will make many trips. If you could choose you would probably live by yourself in the woods like Henry David Thoreau or carry a port-a-potti with you in the workforce. Trust me on this one- you will be making many visits to the throne during the ten day period.

When the fast is over on the first day you can have one very small salad and one glass of juice. On the second day you can add vegetable soup a couple of salads and on the third day you can pig out all you want (just kidding). By the time you reach the third day you are so dam glad to choose your foods carefully that you swear to yourself I will never pig out again. This is where we get in to trouble NEVER SAY NEVER.

I personally thought this single small sacrifice was the greatest thing I had ever done to try and cleanse my body of toxins and get back to a healthy lifestyle. I felt like a million pesos and am very glad I added fasting for the rest of my life. (I receive no benefits including payola for this testimonial. In fact it is my first testimonial on anything. It works and more importantly it helps you create a life change. What’s not to like? Many trips to the John!

You might want to wait until after the Super Bowl if you are an American or whoever you are. I’m sorry I can’t have any Nachos, Buffalo Wings, Cheese balls or Helluva Dip I am on my new fast.” Pig out now My Fellow Americans.” Almost sounds Presidential! I got news for you— if you go on THE LEMONADE FAST you ain’t eat’n noth’n for a while.

Things you may not know: There are approx. 12 million yaks in China.

Things you may want to save: Chilean Sea Bass- they are in big trouble.

Zentraveler says: Fast one day a week.. think how much energy you will save

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Zentraveler interviews Bigfoot!

During a blistery snow storm in the Himalayas I spotted a single light in the distant and started to feel warm all over as if someone was breathing hot air down my neck. My god I have always heard just before you freeze to death you begin to feel warm and then its curtain call. I lifted my legs one by one— literally pulling myself through eight foot snowdrifts and trying my best to reach the single light in the distant.

Still not sure whether I was seeing an mirage or not. Not one footprint in the driving snow. I came upon what looked like a Medieval Bavarian Inn with a single string of tiny white lights silhouetting the interior. It looked so cozy I figured this was probably The Sugarplum House. I was also told just before you cash in your chips you will begin to see pleasant surroundings like a Snow White Disney flick in warp speed. I knocked on the twelve foot double door as hard as I could. I was frozen to death— at least that’s how I felt. I prayed someone would open the door so I wouldn’t actually freeze to death. I had icicles hanging from my nostrils and was covered with the white stuff.

An ancient Chinese man bedecked in brilliantly braided pigtails and dressed in a bright red robe welcomed me to the only Tea House on the Himalayas hidden passage. “You lucky fellow not many people pass this way. What hell you doing here 50 below zero on the nastiest storm of the century?”

I’m here on a journalistic tip. I heard the elusive Big Foot travels this ancient Tea route from time to time. “You funny fellow! Let me get you some hot yak tea. You look almost frozen to death.” As I was saying my prayers, coming out of hypothermia and enjoying the yak tea I heard a huge thump against the heavy wooden door.

In he came— standing 9 foot tall all covered with snow. I sucked on my yak tea and almost passed out on the spot. He shook himself off like a dog in front of the thirty five foot stone fireplace and came over to the huge red and Green lacquered Chinese Emperors Chair, where he sat down. Still in shock, I couldn’t help but notice the glitter of his jet black fur, the size of his feet and the structure of his enormous head.

Do you speak english I enquired? ” Indeed I do! with a very proper English accent.” Do you speak any other languages? ” Yes including all of the different dialects I speak 36,999 earth languages. Want to here some Swahili, Urdu or Chinese Mandarin?” That’s not necessary, but while we are on languages– what is your favorite? “I like the Chinese Sing Sing girls up in the mountains. Every word they say is sung with a very beautiful melodic tone. I really dig dinosaur language too. I gave all of the animals their own language code. Let’s see it’s been a while. Augghr, Augghr, allboutzeoil, smack, xtinct just a little sample of pure Dinosaur.” Do You mind If I take a few notes? “Go right ahead.”

As the Chinese Teahouse owner served Bigfoot his yak tea I couldn’t help but notice a pair of infared night goggles hanging around his neck. What’s with the night goggles I asked. “As you can see I am getting a little gray around the muzzle and these night goggles guard against the driving snow blizzards. Very useful.”

Can I ask you a very direct question. Why did you come in from the cold? Bigfoot roared with laughter and said: ” To get warm!” This is beyond my expectations a language man with a sense of humor. Bigfoot then volunteered: “Don’t get me wrong I mule some informations from time to time.” Give me an example.” I gave that Ben Laden fellow some GPS coordinates.” That’s impressive! No dam wonder we can’t find him.

“I hope this isn’t awkward for you but I am TOTALLY CONNECTED. I will try to break this down so you can understand. About 669 million Condoleezzas ago I was sent to earth to see what I could do with an experiment. I was given three small seed containers, one had human seeds, (I created Adam and Eve) one had animal seeds, and the third had plant seeds.

You should have seen this place— it was a lava nightmare. Not a drop of top soil on the entire earth. That’s when I knew I couldn’t do this simple earthing on my own and called for backup. I invented SLAVERY that’s one of my most important contributions to civilization. The Adam and Eve and cavemen bunch were narcissistic sloths who really had no interest in the work ethic— so I had to think outside of the box. I started importing workers from different cosmos. I was extremely proud to bring in the wide-nosed Mayans on a specially designed spacecraft. It wasn’t long before they built beautiful civilizations, invented the calendar and designed new airstrips to tap into other cosmos with their warp-speed hovers.

After completing our work in Central and South America I sent a crew to Egypt and got them crazy fast ramped up to building stuff. It was a sight to see. I will never forget the lovely taste of Egyptian beer after we finished the Pyramids. Talk about a party! I provided all of the beer, food and entertainment. It was the least I could do to show my appreciation. We had to plant all the trees, haul in all the rocks and then try to surround the earth with water so we could develop secret underwater communities. A bit of a secret I never even reported to the big guy.

I’m getting very sleepy what did they put in this yak tea? Let me ask you something Bigfoot. How come no-one ever caught up with you before— not that I did you understand.” If you look at the archives on Bigfoot I dropped many excellent footprints in the snow. But did the Scientific Community ever wonder what happened when the footprints stopped. Goes to show you what kind of limited intelligence the people on earth have doesn’t it.”

“I had a disappear button installed inside my right fur pocket. Anytime anyone would come too close I would push the button and poof. It comes in handy when people like Barbara Walters and the paparazzi are hot on your trail— not to mention when you are on military maneuvers. You seem to have an amazing amount of information for a creature we see fleeing through the forests …how is this possible? He pointed a finger to his enormous brain and gave a pose like the great thinker you see depicted in archeological museums.”

“I will tell you off record you seem to be a decent guy. My real mission is to report to the big guy. I have a special v chip which was installed 23 Condoleezzas ago that allows me an earth feed where I am currently mine-dating everything that goes on. He held his head up with his chin jutting upward… I could see a few huge tears rolling down his leather face. Almost apologetically he stated: “I have some very horrific news. I am the decision maker here and as long as I am the decision maker— unless you earthlings shape up I’m going to eliminate every civilization on earth except, the Indigenous Indians, my dear friend The Dali Lama, several islands in the South Pacific, that hidden Chinese mountain town with the Sing Sing girls and JAMAICA MON.

Them cats are really kool!

I must have fallen asleep in my chair when the Chinese Teahouse keeper asked me If I wanted to turn in. I shook Bigfoot’s hand, thanked him for the interview and was about to head down the hallway when Bigfoot stood up and said: “I see you are not wearing a wire and all of your camera equipment— along with your video cellphone is packed away in your backpack as he uttered what sounded like “sweet dreams in yiddish.”

The following morning while eating apricot saki muffins and another cup of yak tea (Man that’s good stuff) I asked The Chinese Tea-keeper if Bigfoot was asleep or had already left the premises. “You mean the magical creature YETTI from Tibetan folklore. He’s everywhere!” Laughing like a crazy loon he did a backward somersault.

You saw him last night you served him tea and I took notes . ” You funny fellow!
You noticed I didn’t have you sign the register or put your passport number in the log.
As far as last night went I would say you probably had two many cups of yak tea.”

“Ariva derche amigo— have a safe journey” as he reversed twirled with a martial arts move and lightly broomed me out the door. Heading south on the no-path I heard a hellish screech and the words: “ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK YOUR SOURCES!”

” Good luck my friend this will test how good you really are. You remind me of those pseudo scientists clamoring around about Pilltown man, skulls with bullet holes in their heads before bullets were invented and Darwin. Don’t get me started on him. If those scientists wanted to know where all the bones are buried why don’t they just ask me. Who do you think taught the elephants. Did you know I had a hand in designing all of the animals on earth. They turned out pretty good wouldn’t you say. I like those Jaguars, Peacocks and Chinese Golden Monkeys Hell I like them all. Do you know why I put stripes on Zebras. When large cats are chasing them it creates an optical illusion -just enough to throw them off. Neat. I think I’ll keep them on earth and might even add a few. Chuckle, Chuckle— I can see it all now. Visit Earth and see the the only living ANIMAL PLANET!

” A human being is a part of the whole called by us “the universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in it’s beauty.”

——ALBERT EINSTEIN

Things you may not know: The Americas should have been named the Vespucci’s
Since America was named after Amerigo Vespucci
The Cook islands weren’t called the James or were they

Things you may want to save: THE BLUE-FIN TUNA They are in big trouble

Zentraveler says: Rhino line yourself or study the martial arts- we all need extra protection

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Zentraveler opens weight loss clinic!

How could I achieve the status of a Doctor and bypass 22 years of intense education— not to mention owing the banking community a percentage of the gross national product?

Open your own franchised weight loss clinic. We have done all of the hard work for you. It’s so simple even a caveperson could do it!

RESULTS ONLY WEIGHT LOSS CLINIC (ROWLC) LOGO

First choose a good location with lots of walk-by traffic— often just around the corner from the hospitals or set up a kiosk in a busy mall. Negotiate a three year lease for 500 square feet and make sure the landlord throws in the first three months free just in case. Since the franchise fee is going to be very sweet you can be very flexible with your first weight loss clinic on the size and dimensions. Simply send us a digital photo when you open the doors and that’s it. Everyone is approved!

Business plan

1. Signage homemade painted on the door gold paint $1.98
2. Coin operated Commercial scales with print out horoscope which they give you +($$$$)
3. 100 business cards print them yourself. $1.00
4. Coin operated blood pressure machine which they give you +($$$$)
5. White Doctor’s jacket $9.99
6. Blue scrubs and booties $9.99 (on a budget try laundry room VA hospital)
7. Free website
8. Free blogsite wordpress.com
9. 9 cement blocks and used door for desk $19.99
10. Used laptop computer with free phone through the internet $100.00
11. Picture of Confucius, Hippocratic Code and Chinese Zen Master- print it yourself. $4.99
12. Bottle of water with paper cups. $7.99
13. Box of Kleenex .79
14. Box of rubber gloves $3.99
15. Picture of skeleton showing veins etc. $7.99
16. 4 lb. glob of fat submerged in water $4.00 ( Actually rubber at a magic store)
17. New age music free from Itunes
18. 6 folding chairs. $18.00
19. Insurance, electric, garbage, rent and misc. $700.00
20. Framed Doctor of Divinity Degree from England $49.00
21. Credit card machine provided by your bank
22. Franchise fee $100.00 plus 10 percent of your gross sales

Total startup-cost: $949.00 which we will round off to $1000.00

Footnote: When you have your cards printed they will say your name and D.O.D at the bottom. This earned correspondent status came in the mail and you are now entitled to use you very prestigious Doctor of Divinity degree at busy restaurants and airports. You might want to throw a collar on if you are really in a hurry to leave the country and receive the standard religious airlines discount.

Franchise manual includes all of the procedures you need to start your clinic.

1. Customer comes in the door you have them weigh in and bring you the results.
mark it down on their weight loss chart

2. Customer uses blood pressure cuff you have them bring you the results
mark it down on their weight loss chart

3. Customer inquires about the weight loss system-Be very Zen and don’t give much info

4. Ask customer what their desired weight would be. Make them write it down and place it
in their wallet or pocketbook. Mark desired weight down on their weight loss chart.
That’s the end of your paperwork except adding up your daily take. Smooth!

How much does the weight loss system cost? A one time fee of $100.00 with a money back guarantee and ten dollars a month until you reach your desired weight. You can quit the program anytime you want, but we highly suggest you stay on it for at least 6 months and hopefully for the rest of your life.

How does the system work? Do I receive a magic formula, special fat blocker pills, glycemic index, carbs only, blood type or a cardboard wheel to pull out at each meal? No This system comes from ancient Chinese Zen literature and will be included in your packet.

After they purchase the system you instruct the customer that they must rewire their brains and train to eat healthy, which could mean not eating 23 ears of corn at the local county fair, going cold turkey on all you can eat buffets and eating because you are depressed, elated, pissed off, football season, holiday season, or Uncle Earnies birthday party.

Note: Instruct the weight loss customer to either donate or throw out all of the food in the house and in the refrigerator. They couldn’t pay you to eat most of that crap. Did you ever seriously research the ingredients even on a box of crackers. I didn’t think so!

You are permitted to keep olive oil, coconut oil, cayenne pepper, baltic sea salt, lemon juice, vinegar, herbal teas and black-strap molasses. That’s it! Everything else has to go!

Ask the weight loss customer if it was a matter of life or death would they call 911?

Also ask the weight loss customer If the good Doctor told them that they had to eat veggies and such in order to live would they do it!

Then you explain the 911 program that is so important to the program.
9-glasses of distilled water per day
1-medley of vegetables
1-assortment of fruit

Explain to the weight loss customer to start walking everywhere they can and develop an exercise program that creates movement. You can stand in place, use a chair, or move to the music of Swan Lake. You were duped by fancy advertising, peer pressure, and just a lot of being oversized when you least expected it. Now it’s your turn to take control!

On the weight loss plan the first week you are limited to spending $10.00 on groceries which can be a real challenge to some. Be Creative! From then on simply eat smaller portions more often, exercise, and drink buckets of pure water. It so simple even a caveperson could do it— and they did.

By now you are dying to know the 7000 year proven Chinese Zen secret.

EAT LESS

Each packet contains one sheet of paper with the words printed EAT LESS in varying degrees of size and print styles, one golden delicious apple, three raw carrots and one 12 oz bottle of mineral water. The customers can use the coin operated weight machine as often as they want and can pick up a new weight loss packet for free on a monthly basis.

Quick math says that if you only have 10 customers per day that’s $1000.00 per day times 5 which yields $5000.00 per week, times 4 equals $20,000 per month and translates to $240,000 per year.

No miracle claims, no liability problems, no high insurance. What’s not to like! When you really get rolling you could have a parrot trained to thank each customer when they walked out the door to Say: “Thank You very much EAT LESS you will be glad you did.”

“Eat more ruff-age and fiber it’s good for you.”

—-GRANDMA

Things you may not know: “Not even radiation can kill a cockroach.”

Things you may want to save: BLUE-FIN TUNA —they are in big trouble.

Zentraveler says EAT LESS, eat more or stay the same— it’s entirely up to you!

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Zentraveler explores reasons to become a vegetarian!

It all started with Adam and Eve who were strict vegetarians. In fact it never crossed their minds to slaughter a cow and eat it. They didn’t need to gut a pig and throw the entrails on the ground to predict the future or make sacrificial lambs to their gods. They were just a couple of dudes enjoying the fruits of life and hanging out in paradise.

The original cavepersons mostly walked on all fours but would stand up if they found a good blackberry patch. They mostly grazed on delicious green grasses, ate a lot of nuts and foraged for what they could in the jungle biosphere. Then they discovered fire which was a real thrill back then. They mostly roasted their nuts and such and even learned to stir fry mixed veggies which they all enjoyed.

Then one day a Bengal tiger was in hot pursuit of a young spring buck and the spring buck trying to save his skin turned around to watch the pursuit, whereby he lost concentration and ran into the corner of the cave knocking himself out and skidded smack in the middle of the communal fire with his tongue hanging out. It was obvious he was dead on arrival. One of the women cavepersons requested that a man caveperson remove the corpse from the fire— it was stinking the place up. Puffing on their natural herbs from nature the cavemen folks refused to move a muscle. Low and behold when they came out of their spiritual stupor one of the cavepersons broke off a spring buck femur and started knawwing on it— fur and all.

One of more eruditic woman cavepersons pointed out that we are not like wild animals and our teeth are not designed to eat meat. Bubba caveperson declared: “what the hell we only live once!” And there you have the indisputable truth of cavepersons first meat eating experience. Since those days culinary experiences have gone crazy. Icelanders eat 13.6 pounds of blubber per annum and are fighting for more international laws to get more blubber. Costa Rica is almost denuded of trees so they can raise more cattle for McDonald’s hamburger stands. You get the idea maybe it’s time to use your brain and go back to the basics.

If you don’t eat meat, fish, or chicken you won’t get Mad Cow Disease, toxic mercury levels, or the Bird Flu and if that isn’t enough to consider— you can pass on liposuction,
most forms of diabetes, coronary heart disease and stupid thinking.

Through the ages some of the folks who were vegetarians included: Adam and Eve, Buddha, Mohammed and God. I am not sure about Jesus at least he didn’t eat hoven animals and never pig. Einstein, Freud, Benjamin Franklin, Mahatma Gandhi and Sher.

Meat eaters included: Barbarians, Ivan the Terrible, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, George Bush, Dick Chaney, and Condoleezza Rice.

To sum it up if you don’t want to catch Mad Cow Disease, toxic mercury levels, or Bird Flu and you want to help save the planet by lessoning the effect on global warming then vegg out. What’s not to like? Broccoli! Don’t you hate it when they over cook it and it tastes like—-!

“Live by the sword die by the sword—why use the sword at all?”
UNKNOWN

Zentraveler says store them nuts, get a root cellar going and vegg until the cows come home!

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Zentraveler’s guide to healthfood stores!

Just like Nick Nolte the famous hollywood actor maybe it’s time to make a few life changes. You look at yourself and decide I’m going to eat and live healthy. Off you go in your new neon green Hummer decked out in bright orange shorts, fish belt, purple crocs, gold embossed sports shirt— topped off with the latest (fedora. If it is good enough for Brad Pitt it’s good enough for you). Your Hummer exceeds the parking stripes in the environmentally correct shopping center tucked away so good you need your GPS device to guide yourself in. Now the fun begins!

If your new to this healthfood store venue consider renting a Pitt Bull seeing eye dog and a white cane—they tend to be be more sympathetic to your stupid questions and at least you have protection. You could always pretend that you were deaf and dumb as the store clerk rambles on about their new mango organic toothpaste direct from the Peruvian jungles.

Consider going to a make-up artist and have them outfit you with round strawberry wire rim glasses, a snap-on ponytail and drab olive green or tan outerwear. Pick up a used volvo so you can at least fit into the parking space. In general the more down to earth you are
the better you fit in.

As you proceed through the store be considerate of others and never shout “Oh my god $3.98 cents for a ripe banana I can get one at the 7-11 for .39 cents.” Cruising through the store always take all of the free samples that they have laid out for you. Those black potato chips are a little chewy but they must be really good for you. Let me check the label. You now pull out a magnifying glass and just like a good detective— you discover the saturated fat level is 47 per cent.

Moving on it’s really a grin watching people fill bags full of nuts, grinding their own coffee,
and selecting vile looking green drinks from the reefer. Afterall our ancestors were food gathers sort of tugs at your heart strings doesn’t it! Now it’s time to get schooled. You simply ask the store clerk if they have anything to boost your immune system. The clerk asked you if you prefer tinctures, small pills that fit under your tongue or the latest formula from DR. Green. You pick up the new formula and turn the bottle upside down where you detect a white label pricing point and of course you can’t read it— but it looks like $9.95 that ain’t bad… I think I’ll take that.

You overhear folks talking about their colon cleaning procedures, miracle cold cures and general chit-chat about what’s hot and what’s not. One guy pulls his dentures out and asked the clerk if they have any organic cement. Now if the clerk is really stumped and you tell her you came down with Hashimoto’s Disease she will take you over to the reference library and tell you to look it up.” There’s a cure for everything and we probably have it.
Let me know If I can help you this is my first day. This is really a green place don’t you think!” “Yea a lot of green I mumbled!”

Since this is your first visit you don’t want to act like a cheap chump so by now you have selected the 12 oz immune builder, one green drink, one box of Siberian Ginseng, one box of prostate tea, a gallon jug of emulsified grapefruit extract and three organic carrots.

That was easy everyone here seems so helpful and healthy. I would never known I needed
emulsified grapefruit extract if it weren’t for the Swedish blonde exchange student who suggested this is what gave her voluptuous body such a glow. Who would have known?

Heading to the checkout clerk I figured this small sampling of health-food items would probably cost about $39.00 As she totaled up the bill I flipped her a credit card and she reported that I was over my limit. “That’s impossible I declared I have at least $300.00 on that card— how much is the bill anyway?” Lowering her librarian type glasses she peered down and said with a smile “It’s just $499.00 with your senior discount plugged in.” “Hey buddy can you hurry up with it already there’s a line waiting here.” So I flip her another credit card— sign it and exit the store.

Upon inspecting the bill I noticed the immune support rang up at $199.95 and the emulsified grapefruit rang up exactly at $199.95—- lord knows what my organic carrots came in at my eyes are a blur— will someone call 911? I’m having chest pains! As they closed the doors on the ambulance he mumurred something like “I shulda taken better care of myself If God will just let me slide this one more time I promise I will eat healthy.”

” A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today and now it is new. It is like that— every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop observing change, then we stop seeing everything as new.”

DZIGAR KONGTRUL RINPOCHE

Zentraveler says eat plenty of homemade chicken soup, an apple a day and if you want to put your dentist out of business start munching on raw carrots.

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Zentraveler uses Zen techniques to stop brain chatter!

Sitting with your favorite shrink the conversation might go something like this. Too much data doc where is all of this information coming from and were is it heading. My computer is overloaded I need to slow down. ” Have you ever tried Meditation?” Yes I have tried meditation— especially the zen variety which simply states: just sit. ” That’s a breakthrough right there. Just sit! is easier said than done— are you ready for such a commitment?” It sounds so easy to do— I sit in a chair put some soft new age music in the background and follow my breathe in and out. I have a Felix clock next to me with a timer and I decide to start meditating 10 minutes a day for the first week and up it each week until I am meditating one hour a day and then double it. What’s not to like?

Your ego, the news feed, life in general, things that are broken, emotions, relationships, careers, bosses, bill collectors, marketing calls, IRS, dentists, relatives, neighbors, politics, religion, lawyers, cable repairman all represent the past and have a fast track feed flying across your screen. Zen master says when all of this stuff comes in don’t fight it let it fly by and just at that point and I mean at that point say: CHANGE PEGS . It helps if you vision a wooden peg and you take your hand and place the wooden peg in a tight fitting hole. This represents a stop and can be a very effective system of stopping the brain chatter. After much repetition you will look forward to your meditation periods like anything else… the beginning is the most difficult also the most rewarding.

Don’t change pegs on me I am almost finished.” Thanks doc what do I owe you? I see my session bell rang after 7 minutes. ” Don’t worry about it— I will have accounting prepare your bill and have them send it out electronically. Oh by the way did my secretary get all your information starting with your most recent home address, new passport number, your social security number, your home phone number, your office number, your fax number, all of your cellphone numbers, your e-mail address, blackberry private code and of course I assume you have a blog. I see you have an up to date will and testament on file with us and you better give us your next of kin —you are looking a little grey today. On the way out please sign the non-liability waiver, leave a copy of two credit cards with expiration dates, the full address, branch and telephone numbers of your bank and your 13 digit routing number. Sorry to rush you but the clock is ticking.

” By the way If you have any problems don’t call me– I am taking a professional sabbatical for a few years. I am heading into the bush where I will be tagging white rhinos in southern Africa.” At the present time their only form of communication is the conch shell. Good luck with your sitting did I say this before —– just sit!” Chow!!!

To sum it up Zen meditation can be broken down to just sitting, breathing in and out, telling the unwanted chatter to change pegs and now you have it. Start with short sessions and make it a part of your daily routine. Don’t tell me you can ‘t squeeze ten minutes a day dedicated to just sitting. Say it ain’t so!

If a Zen master can just sit in a cave for eighty years and live off of air alone I know you could learn this very basic technique. Just Sit! We have people in the workforce who after they have their cup of coffee and check their e-mails just sit. We have organized sit-ins, house sitters, porch sitters, beach sitters, ice-fisherman sitters, pet sitters— not to mention all the sitting that takes place in world politics. This just sitting also comes in handy when the lawn needs mowed, the dishes need washed and the boss leaves the office.

“If you find yourself digging a hole—quit digging!”

Unknown

Zentraveler says travel often using foot power…you might be surprised!

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Zentraveler paints like a caveperson!

It all started when aunt fernie taught me to draw a dirty stick figure in first grade. We were asked to draw a picture by Miss Mosteller and I turned in a stick figure boy pissing in a bowl. She preceded to grab me by the neck and drug me to the cloak room where I probably acted out… but what the hell I was only six. I mixed up all the lunches, switched all the coats and boots around and began a full blown tantrum by jumping up and down with my wooden chair and screaming like a banshee to the top of my lungs. The Principal Mr. Bassett a very decent educator in his own right grabbed my hand and rescued me from the cloakroom. As we passed Miss Mosteller’s desk Mr. Bassett ask If I had anything to say.

and I simply stated: “SHIT-ASS!” under my breathe don’t stifle my creativity!

It was several weeks before I returned to school but I kept doodling because we had three grades in the same classroom. This simple act of filling up a blank tablet with nonsensical
drawings began to mimic the art work from our ancestral cave-persons. An elongated horse, a doggie with short legs, and deer enhanced with red pencil.

Warp-speed to eighth grade where Miss Cagney our art teacher put her arm around me giving me a c minus for effort for my art work. Very kindly she said ” now don’t take this personal but you draw like a prehistoric cave-person.” I gave a quick smile back and thanked her very much. To me this was the highest compliment anyone could every give you. At least she didn’t drag me to the cloakroom… that was a plus.

Later on hanging at the old campus I took an art education course only to learn that one of the greatest artist’s of anytime period used simple strokes, exaggeration, and distorted animals in his art work and became famous because of his style. If you only have a small original Piscasso in today’s market it would be worth mega bucks. But who’s into money. Start getting rid of your crap! It’s a beginning.

” Meng Sun has indeed mastered Zen! He has gone beyond wisdom. He has already made his life simple. ”

Confucius

Zentraveler says you too can become a zen painter. Pick up your brush, begin with stick figures and move into cave-painting.

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